I'm still getting used to sleeping in this house, and not over in that one. I's been almost two weeks. And cn I mention how much hARDER it s to type with a cat chnin between your thumbs? Ew. She drooled on the keyboard.
First off, the dog's arthritis is acting up, so he has to have "fart pills" three times a day to manage the pain. Sometimes the smell alone is enough to wake you up at night. Then there is the fact that we also think he has irritable bowels, so sometimes he throws up at night. Only at night, mind you. And only at either 1:30am, or somewhere between 3:45-4:45am. The puking is always proceeded by a rather wet lip-smacking.
It sounds like this:
"shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk..."
Oddly enough, this sounds exactly like when the dog cleans between his toes-- which he also seems to do at either 1:30am, or somewhere between 3:45-4:45am. Until you yell at him for god's sake to either knock it off, or puke already, dammit!
And the cat.
The cat only jumps off the bed when standing next to GB's right shoulder. Not his stomach. Not his toes. Not on my side of the bed-- ever. And she walks straight from the crick behind my knees, across his bladder, and up to that spot by his shoulder. The jumping-down-for-a-midnight-snack spot. And then disappears into the closet to crunch her crunchy cat food. She usually gets hungry at both midnight, and somewhere close to 3am. And when she's about to jump up onto something, she let's you know. She's very polite. In that "SEE? SEE HOW POLITE I AM??" cat sort of way.
"Mprrt?" And then the soft thud of graceful cat paws on the bed. And the thud itself is mild enough to sleep through. But not the "Mprrt?" that always comes first. Then she has to walk around and see whose awake (and therefore available to sniff her breath, and have their face sneezed on and whiskers poked up their nose, and pet her) before settling back down on someone's legs.
And if there's silence in the bedroom for too long, the teenage cat-sisters on the other side of the bedroom door get worried. So they meow in high-pitched teenage girl voices, and scratch on the door until someone comes out to reassure them. Or yell at them.
Did I mention that our bedroom shares a wall with the only bathroom in the house? It does. And the roommate showers at 6:45 every morning. Except the mornings he showers at 6:15. And clears his nose (or maybe it's his throat) in the shower. Loudly. Some mornings it takes him a while to get it all out.
And don't get me started on the blanket-stealing situation. Just don't even get me started.
Turns out that except when he (or the dog) is snoring, GB is a lighter sleeper than I am. So every time I roll over, it wakes him up.
guilt. guilt. guilt.
So the good news is that if GB is still snoring, I know he's slept through whatever it was that woke ME up. And therefore if *I* yell at the offending party, we will both be woken up. Again.
By the way, GB is currently unsticking a new baby leaf on his beloved hanging plant behind me. It's been sitting there, half-unfurled, for three days. He couldn't take it any more.
GB: "It's stuck."
Me: "But it's getting bigger."
GB: "It's stuck."
Me: "Maybe it's still growing."
GB: "NO. It's STUCK."
And then he gently pulled the tiny green leaf away from the plant spine that birthed it, and unrolled the edges of the leaf so it could start getting sun and growing BIGGER! Now that it's unstuck. The 3-day-old baby leaf on his hanging plant.
I need sleep.
Showing posts with label Challenges. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Challenges. Show all posts
Tuesday
Friday
Feeling Green
So I'm in this totally AWESOME Journaling Group that meets once a month. It's an all-women group hosted by SisterSpirit, and we talk (and write) about self-knowledge, wisdom, intuition and-- this year-- ourselves in relation to each of the seven chakras.
This month, we are focusing on Fourth Chakra. Heart Chakra. It's green, and gold. Here are some of the things that this particular embodied energy focal point is about:
generosity, transformation, balance, awareness of universal consciousness, wealth, imagination, determination, will power, the heart and upper back, circulatory system and immune system
It is the element of Air, and the sense of Touch. It is the heart of emotional healing, personal evolution, and clear vision. It is said that if you truly want to manifest something in your life, you have to envision it with your Heart, and not just with your Mind. The Heart Chakra is the center of the chakra system in that it connects the three higher and the three lower chakras. Through this chakra, we learn to get in touch with our core being and our inner truth. It is the balance point of the higher self and how we manifest that self here in the mundane world. "As Above, So Below." (Some of this is quoted from VJ's notes for our group. Thanks VJ!)
And after writing and thinking about this for a bit, I had the realization that WEALTH and DOLLARS are a part of that healing Green Energy of the Fourth Chakra. Who Knew?? And that when I do finally dig myself out of debt and have money to spare, my heart's desire is to buy land and create spiritual and physical sanctuary on it, using (guess what!) Green Building techniques, and Green Energy sources-- in a more mundane sense of the words. To create a place of healing. So in a fairly direct way, me receiving money (which just happens to be green in our culture) allows me to give healing in bigger and better ways, the more money I receive. It allows me to magnify the amount of green heart-healing energy I give back to the world. Through my very use of money, it becomes a green energy in and of itself.
I know-- it's crazy.
For someone who actually has felt rather dirty about accepting money to heal people and be their Life Coach in an eternal Wise Woman sort of way... this was a real revelation. I heal emotional issues for my clients-- and I do it through the chakra energy of my heart. Green Energy.
And suddenly, I'm coming to terms with the reality that if I DON'T get paid in money what my healing energy is worth, I won't have the basic building blocks (food, clothing, shelter, freedom from debilitating debts) that I need if I want to stay energized and capable of helping others to heal. I've had this block against earning money for what I just naturally do. Money is not natural. I knew the block was there, but I didn't seem able to budge it. And this week, my Journaling Group changed all that.
So I thought I'd share. I'm really thrilled, actually. I finally understand ENERGETICALLY how important the money piece is to the whole healing circle of green energy in today's world. I'm finally making peace with the role money plays in my life. I'm learning not to resent my need for money. If I'm lucky, this might even make it easier for me to draw money-- and opportunities to earn money-- into my life path.
And now that I'm beyond the shock and awe of having that particular personal block to a healthy relationship with money just ...disintegrate... I'm starting to realize how unhealthy our whole nation's relationship with money is right now. I mean, here are some signs of a blocked Heart Chakra:
Feelings of jealousy, indifference, loneliness. Becoming needy, grabby, or demanding. Asking others for love and fulfillment, rather than looking within for self-love and self-fulfillment. Fear, despair, hate, longing. Pretending we don't need other people. Pretending we can cope with everything the world and life throws at us-- all by ourselves, alone.
And I thought, what a perfect description of the relationship I have had (and I think most of us have in this flailing economy) with money. It's amazing what a perfectly nice person will do to someone else, even someone they love, once money enters the picture. For myself, I've been jealous of those who have money. I've felt desperate to get or earn money. I often looked to others and their ways of earning and spending, instead of focusing on the relationship *I* want to build with money, and the strengths and abilities I want to use to earn it.
I have spent the last five years in a constant state of financial fear. I have hated my dependence on money, and yet I longed to have more of it. I have pretended all was well, in my financial world, while quickly falling into debt and despair. And I have insisted that I shouldn't need money-- or help with my budget and/or cash flow-- to get by. I have bought into the myth that talking about money, and my relationship to it, is shameful.
I've been very unhealthy and wrong and just BLOCKED, without even knowing HOW I was blocked and unhealthy. All I knew was that I had to find some way to unblock if I wanted to actually be able to have money come into my life (ie: income), rather than always watching it leave. And now, I'm excited to understand that money doesn't have to be evil. I begin to feel GOOD about my potential to earn large quantities of it. Because I spend large quantities of energy doing good work for other people (and therefore for myself) and for the Earth.
It is fair and reasonable that I be recompensed in a format that enables me to keep doing what I do-- only better. I'm excited to learn how much MORE I can do as a healer now that I've finally unblocked my Heart Chakra. And I'm curious to see the effects of finally allowing my definitions of "Abundance" and "Wealth" to include financial well-being, and an abundance of income. My definitions remain very broad-- but I realize now that it's okay to wish for not only an abundance of good friends, good food, good health, and good experiences-- but also to look for a good income as a vital part of truly Abundant Living. Wish me well-- it's turning out to be quite a journey.
This month, we are focusing on Fourth Chakra. Heart Chakra. It's green, and gold. Here are some of the things that this particular embodied energy focal point is about:
generosity, transformation, balance, awareness of universal consciousness, wealth, imagination, determination, will power, the heart and upper back, circulatory system and immune system
It is the element of Air, and the sense of Touch. It is the heart of emotional healing, personal evolution, and clear vision. It is said that if you truly want to manifest something in your life, you have to envision it with your Heart, and not just with your Mind. The Heart Chakra is the center of the chakra system in that it connects the three higher and the three lower chakras. Through this chakra, we learn to get in touch with our core being and our inner truth. It is the balance point of the higher self and how we manifest that self here in the mundane world. "As Above, So Below." (Some of this is quoted from VJ's notes for our group. Thanks VJ!)
And after writing and thinking about this for a bit, I had the realization that WEALTH and DOLLARS are a part of that healing Green Energy of the Fourth Chakra. Who Knew?? And that when I do finally dig myself out of debt and have money to spare, my heart's desire is to buy land and create spiritual and physical sanctuary on it, using (guess what!) Green Building techniques, and Green Energy sources-- in a more mundane sense of the words. To create a place of healing. So in a fairly direct way, me receiving money (which just happens to be green in our culture) allows me to give healing in bigger and better ways, the more money I receive. It allows me to magnify the amount of green heart-healing energy I give back to the world. Through my very use of money, it becomes a green energy in and of itself.
I know-- it's crazy.
For someone who actually has felt rather dirty about accepting money to heal people and be their Life Coach in an eternal Wise Woman sort of way... this was a real revelation. I heal emotional issues for my clients-- and I do it through the chakra energy of my heart. Green Energy.
And suddenly, I'm coming to terms with the reality that if I DON'T get paid in money what my healing energy is worth, I won't have the basic building blocks (food, clothing, shelter, freedom from debilitating debts) that I need if I want to stay energized and capable of helping others to heal. I've had this block against earning money for what I just naturally do. Money is not natural. I knew the block was there, but I didn't seem able to budge it. And this week, my Journaling Group changed all that.
So I thought I'd share. I'm really thrilled, actually. I finally understand ENERGETICALLY how important the money piece is to the whole healing circle of green energy in today's world. I'm finally making peace with the role money plays in my life. I'm learning not to resent my need for money. If I'm lucky, this might even make it easier for me to draw money-- and opportunities to earn money-- into my life path.
And now that I'm beyond the shock and awe of having that particular personal block to a healthy relationship with money just ...disintegrate... I'm starting to realize how unhealthy our whole nation's relationship with money is right now. I mean, here are some signs of a blocked Heart Chakra:
Feelings of jealousy, indifference, loneliness. Becoming needy, grabby, or demanding. Asking others for love and fulfillment, rather than looking within for self-love and self-fulfillment. Fear, despair, hate, longing. Pretending we don't need other people. Pretending we can cope with everything the world and life throws at us-- all by ourselves, alone.
And I thought, what a perfect description of the relationship I have had (and I think most of us have in this flailing economy) with money. It's amazing what a perfectly nice person will do to someone else, even someone they love, once money enters the picture. For myself, I've been jealous of those who have money. I've felt desperate to get or earn money. I often looked to others and their ways of earning and spending, instead of focusing on the relationship *I* want to build with money, and the strengths and abilities I want to use to earn it.
I have spent the last five years in a constant state of financial fear. I have hated my dependence on money, and yet I longed to have more of it. I have pretended all was well, in my financial world, while quickly falling into debt and despair. And I have insisted that I shouldn't need money-- or help with my budget and/or cash flow-- to get by. I have bought into the myth that talking about money, and my relationship to it, is shameful.
I've been very unhealthy and wrong and just BLOCKED, without even knowing HOW I was blocked and unhealthy. All I knew was that I had to find some way to unblock if I wanted to actually be able to have money come into my life (ie: income), rather than always watching it leave. And now, I'm excited to understand that money doesn't have to be evil. I begin to feel GOOD about my potential to earn large quantities of it. Because I spend large quantities of energy doing good work for other people (and therefore for myself) and for the Earth.
It is fair and reasonable that I be recompensed in a format that enables me to keep doing what I do-- only better. I'm excited to learn how much MORE I can do as a healer now that I've finally unblocked my Heart Chakra. And I'm curious to see the effects of finally allowing my definitions of "Abundance" and "Wealth" to include financial well-being, and an abundance of income. My definitions remain very broad-- but I realize now that it's okay to wish for not only an abundance of good friends, good food, good health, and good experiences-- but also to look for a good income as a vital part of truly Abundant Living. Wish me well-- it's turning out to be quite a journey.
Saturday
Responsobligity
When I was a little girl, my mom taught me to ignore the annoying kids in my class, and maybe then they'd get bored and go away. As a strategy, it worked fairly well. Certainly, the parents and teachers loved my "adult approach" to problems.
By the time I was in third grade, I was such a good little two-shoes that the teacher, Mrs. Z, put me in the seat between two of the most disruptive goof-offs in class. Both named Aaron. Problem was that they were funny and interesting, and the conversations that went on behind my head weren't always that easy to ignore. I tell you, bad boys just have more fun.
In sixth grade, a boy with a really tough life figured he could out-annoy my tactic of "ignore and avoid." And eventually, he was right. I caught the attention of a teacher and explained the challenge I was having with locker-access between classes, since JO was always there to slam the locker shut for me again. When the teacher explained to JO that his homeroom teacher was my dad... Well, he left me alone after that. And I continued to ignore him.
In eighth grade, a different boy went straight from annoy to abuse. And no matter how hard I ignored him, I still went home from school every day with extra bruises. Eventually I again approached a teacher for help. This time it took a while, but eventually the kid's parents decided it was in his best interests to pretend I didn't exist, and I was allowed to get on with my life. We both worked hard to ignore and avoid each other for the whole four years of high school, where we both played violin in Orchestra class every day.
My first serious boyfriend was in high school... And he often forgot to show up for our planned dates and get-togethers and such. He often ignored my phone calls, too. I worked very hard to ignore the things I didn't like in our relationship because I wanted to succeed with him the same way I'd learned to succeed in school as a little girl. His other girlfriend-- when I found out about her-- was a bit harder to overlook. So I decided to ignore them both.
Add six years, a different guy, a wedding... and you have my marriage. In which I learned to ignore my own needs, my feelings, and my right to be treated with respect. Because that was the only way my marriage was going to succeed. And I didn't want to be the bad guy. Ignore the annoyance-- the way the boy in the seat next to you is goofing off and making bad choices in his life and generally distracting you from your work and your goals-- and it'll stop. Right?
So here I am. Knowing already that I am not Cinderella (in other words, no magic wand or prince charming to make it all better)... And I am facing the fact (again) that my most-used coping mechanism for things that bother/annoy/frustrate me... is to ignore them, and hope they go away. Some life skill. It didn't work in my marriage. It sure isn't working on my financial and job woes. Or on my cat's arthritis, come to that. And it's all gotten a bit over my head, really... But the thing I just tripped over is the realization that there's no teacher to go to for help on this one... And the last few teachers (or Argmy Commanders) I went to weren't always that helpful in the situation anyway.
So now I'm thinking--
Maybe we should teach little girls Aikido or Brazilian Ju-Jitsu, and encourage them to confront life's frustrations HEAD-F*ING-ON!! Because we sure aren't doing them any favors by training them to believe that being nice and pretending the problem doesn't exist will make everything in their life okay.
I'm just saying is all...
By the time I was in third grade, I was such a good little two-shoes that the teacher, Mrs. Z, put me in the seat between two of the most disruptive goof-offs in class. Both named Aaron. Problem was that they were funny and interesting, and the conversations that went on behind my head weren't always that easy to ignore. I tell you, bad boys just have more fun.
In sixth grade, a boy with a really tough life figured he could out-annoy my tactic of "ignore and avoid." And eventually, he was right. I caught the attention of a teacher and explained the challenge I was having with locker-access between classes, since JO was always there to slam the locker shut for me again. When the teacher explained to JO that his homeroom teacher was my dad... Well, he left me alone after that. And I continued to ignore him.
In eighth grade, a different boy went straight from annoy to abuse. And no matter how hard I ignored him, I still went home from school every day with extra bruises. Eventually I again approached a teacher for help. This time it took a while, but eventually the kid's parents decided it was in his best interests to pretend I didn't exist, and I was allowed to get on with my life. We both worked hard to ignore and avoid each other for the whole four years of high school, where we both played violin in Orchestra class every day.
My first serious boyfriend was in high school... And he often forgot to show up for our planned dates and get-togethers and such. He often ignored my phone calls, too. I worked very hard to ignore the things I didn't like in our relationship because I wanted to succeed with him the same way I'd learned to succeed in school as a little girl. His other girlfriend-- when I found out about her-- was a bit harder to overlook. So I decided to ignore them both.
Add six years, a different guy, a wedding... and you have my marriage. In which I learned to ignore my own needs, my feelings, and my right to be treated with respect. Because that was the only way my marriage was going to succeed. And I didn't want to be the bad guy. Ignore the annoyance-- the way the boy in the seat next to you is goofing off and making bad choices in his life and generally distracting you from your work and your goals-- and it'll stop. Right?
So here I am. Knowing already that I am not Cinderella (in other words, no magic wand or prince charming to make it all better)... And I am facing the fact (again) that my most-used coping mechanism for things that bother/annoy/frustrate me... is to ignore them, and hope they go away. Some life skill. It didn't work in my marriage. It sure isn't working on my financial and job woes. Or on my cat's arthritis, come to that. And it's all gotten a bit over my head, really... But the thing I just tripped over is the realization that there's no teacher to go to for help on this one... And the last few teachers (or Argmy Commanders) I went to weren't always that helpful in the situation anyway.
So now I'm thinking--
Maybe we should teach little girls Aikido or Brazilian Ju-Jitsu, and encourage them to confront life's frustrations HEAD-F*ING-ON!! Because we sure aren't doing them any favors by training them to believe that being nice and pretending the problem doesn't exist will make everything in their life okay.
I'm just saying is all...
Thursday
Roll With It
So talk about your roller coasters!
They finally force-fed my kitty at the vet's right before I came to see her at the end of the day. Then they sent me (and her!!!) home with a bunch of kitty opiate oral liquid pain-killers, and some pepcid. And orders to call with updates, and especially to keep track of her food intake. Of which there wasn't any.
She finally daned to use her litter box for the first time around 8am this morning. I've never been so excited about my cat's peeing habits before, let me tell you. And when I got out another dose of the pain meds, she ran over to me so I could give it to her. RAN OVER TO ME. FOR MEDICINE.
I think she's addicted. Seriously. Of course, being a tortie, that didn't mean she'd actually let me GIVE her the medicine-- she just let herself be caught so I could pry her mouth open, shove the gunk in, clamp her jaw shut, and stroke her throat while she tried to bite off her own tongue. Sigh.
So I was hopeful. Until the Vet called. The final test came back, the CDC (whatever the heck that is, it costs a hundred dollars) and it turns out her white blood cell count is horribly low. So We made an appointment to take her back into the doctor's for another test. This one was to see if she had either feline leukemia or kitty AIDS. Those being the most likely reasons for a low white blood cell count, apparently.
The drama of library conferences has NOTHING on this, folks.
But luckily, I had a massage scheduled (in trade for other work, so neither of us had to come up with cash, thank goodness!) for this morning. So I went ahead and had that done. Unluckily, I realized when my masseuse was a few minutes late that I wasn't going to make it to the vet on time, so I had to reschedule that by a half-hour. Luckily, the noon appointment time was still available. And my cat was still fairly stogned and pliant when I got home to put her in the cat carrier.
Apparently, she was also much calmer about getting her blood drawn this time around. And it only took ten minutes to get the test results back. She is evil illness-free, as far as we can tell. Luckily, it is NEITHER feline leukemia NOR kitty HIV. Unluckily, we still don't know what it IS. I have strict instructions from my vet (who also owns a tortie) to call her with updates.
And LUCKILY, I have a very wonderful update to report. As soon as we got home, she got out of the cat carrier, wandered over to the wet food that has been sitting hopefully in my room for the past few hours, and licked it a few times before wandering back to her blanket in front of the space heater. FOOD!!! She ate a bite of FOOD!!! That's more than she's eaten of her own volition in three days! WAHHOOOO!!!!
And I have finally got some hope back that she'll recover from this insane trip of hers.
Thanks for all your good thoughts, everyone. We both needed them for a while. Maybe we still do. But at the moment, Abbigale is curled up on my bed in the sun pretending that her little fore-arm isn't shaved and listening carefully, just in case I venture over to the pain medicine again. Because, as I said, she REALLY LIKES that pain medicine.
So, basically, three days of worry and vet bills later, the only thing we know for sure is that she had some really painful gas, stopped eating, got really dehydrated, and is now hooked on pain killers. Not necessarily in that order. ...sigh.
They finally force-fed my kitty at the vet's right before I came to see her at the end of the day. Then they sent me (and her!!!) home with a bunch of kitty opiate oral liquid pain-killers, and some pepcid. And orders to call with updates, and especially to keep track of her food intake. Of which there wasn't any.
She finally daned to use her litter box for the first time around 8am this morning. I've never been so excited about my cat's peeing habits before, let me tell you. And when I got out another dose of the pain meds, she ran over to me so I could give it to her. RAN OVER TO ME. FOR MEDICINE.
I think she's addicted. Seriously. Of course, being a tortie, that didn't mean she'd actually let me GIVE her the medicine-- she just let herself be caught so I could pry her mouth open, shove the gunk in, clamp her jaw shut, and stroke her throat while she tried to bite off her own tongue. Sigh.
So I was hopeful. Until the Vet called. The final test came back, the CDC (whatever the heck that is, it costs a hundred dollars) and it turns out her white blood cell count is horribly low. So We made an appointment to take her back into the doctor's for another test. This one was to see if she had either feline leukemia or kitty AIDS. Those being the most likely reasons for a low white blood cell count, apparently.
The drama of library conferences has NOTHING on this, folks.
But luckily, I had a massage scheduled (in trade for other work, so neither of us had to come up with cash, thank goodness!) for this morning. So I went ahead and had that done. Unluckily, I realized when my masseuse was a few minutes late that I wasn't going to make it to the vet on time, so I had to reschedule that by a half-hour. Luckily, the noon appointment time was still available. And my cat was still fairly stogned and pliant when I got home to put her in the cat carrier.
Apparently, she was also much calmer about getting her blood drawn this time around. And it only took ten minutes to get the test results back. She is evil illness-free, as far as we can tell. Luckily, it is NEITHER feline leukemia NOR kitty HIV. Unluckily, we still don't know what it IS. I have strict instructions from my vet (who also owns a tortie) to call her with updates.
And LUCKILY, I have a very wonderful update to report. As soon as we got home, she got out of the cat carrier, wandered over to the wet food that has been sitting hopefully in my room for the past few hours, and licked it a few times before wandering back to her blanket in front of the space heater. FOOD!!! She ate a bite of FOOD!!! That's more than she's eaten of her own volition in three days! WAHHOOOO!!!!
And I have finally got some hope back that she'll recover from this insane trip of hers.
Thanks for all your good thoughts, everyone. We both needed them for a while. Maybe we still do. But at the moment, Abbigale is curled up on my bed in the sun pretending that her little fore-arm isn't shaved and listening carefully, just in case I venture over to the pain medicine again. Because, as I said, she REALLY LIKES that pain medicine.
So, basically, three days of worry and vet bills later, the only thing we know for sure is that she had some really painful gas, stopped eating, got really dehydrated, and is now hooked on pain killers. Not necessarily in that order. ...sigh.
Monday
Quick
I was reminded today of how quickly I make assumptions. The need for something solid to use as a framework for new ideas sometimes overrides my ability to slow down, and let the new idea emerge in its own good time. Slow is just not something I do well. Perhaps that is why the universe gives me so many opportunities to slow down, to experience something slowly. Because if I had my way, I'd often be out the door and down the street before I found out dinner was followed by dessert!
Today was also a difficult one because of a small event that cut me to the quick. It is so very hard to break a tendency toward emotional self-denial. We stop paying attention to our internal processes for a week or two, and suddenly we are flooded with emotions that surprise us in their intensity and focus. For me, this was the experience of going to the volunteer arm of the Small Business Association, and talking with a marketing coach. With two, actually. They were both clearly experienced, intelligent, and capable. I'm sure they've had (or continue to have) highly profitable careers in the field of marketing.
But one had never heard of an Aura before. And the other tried to connect with me by adding "Feng Shui" to the list of my possible skills as an Empathic Listener and Tarot Healer, because it was the only other semi-respectable alternative healing thing he knew of that didn't require a certificate on the wall. Both of them felt that the best thing I could do for my business was drop the word "Tarot" from my job description and from my marketing. I have to believe that it was good advice. But it cut me to the quick.
And I went in there KNOWING these people were probably not going to speak my language, nor I theirs. I've always been rather dismissive of the cliche about "snuffing out the sunshine," but not after this. I felt like suddenly nothing about me was worthy of success. That I'd have to make-do and half-exist all over again if I want to pay my rent again next month. Like I did in other jobs. I may still have to do that. Although my clientelle is growing faster than most new small businesses collect new clients, and I really appreciate and honor my clients and the opportunity to facilitate their healing process, it still hasn't grown enough to support me fully at this point. I suppose two part-time jobs DO add up into one full-time one for now...
The good news is that I went straight from that dis-heartening marketing meeting to a Tarot client. And my internal balance was thus restored. I hope the session was as beneficial for my client! I also got out for a brisk walk just as the sun was low enough to make the yellow and red leaves on the trees glow. THAT was a magic moment.
It's hard to head into the unknown. It's hard to cope with the stress of a down-economy and a difficult job market. But it's even harder to deny our inner selves, as we make our way in the world. And really, the more skills we have, the more resources are waiting in our back pocket to remind us of how beautiful the sun's illumination can be in our lives. Maybe it's time for me to start learning yet another something new.
So I scrubbed the frown off my face, washed the stress from my fingers, and decided that a positive outlook, and a strong resume, are worth their weight in gold. Or gasoline, that being slightly more expensive at the moment... I also realized that if I didn't post a blog entry QUICK, I'd miss October all together.
As the observant author wrote about the confused cat, "When in doubt, wash."
Autumn Blessings to you.
Be Well, and when frustrated,
Be Cleansed.
Today was also a difficult one because of a small event that cut me to the quick. It is so very hard to break a tendency toward emotional self-denial. We stop paying attention to our internal processes for a week or two, and suddenly we are flooded with emotions that surprise us in their intensity and focus. For me, this was the experience of going to the volunteer arm of the Small Business Association, and talking with a marketing coach. With two, actually. They were both clearly experienced, intelligent, and capable. I'm sure they've had (or continue to have) highly profitable careers in the field of marketing.
But one had never heard of an Aura before. And the other tried to connect with me by adding "Feng Shui" to the list of my possible skills as an Empathic Listener and Tarot Healer, because it was the only other semi-respectable alternative healing thing he knew of that didn't require a certificate on the wall. Both of them felt that the best thing I could do for my business was drop the word "Tarot" from my job description and from my marketing. I have to believe that it was good advice. But it cut me to the quick.
And I went in there KNOWING these people were probably not going to speak my language, nor I theirs. I've always been rather dismissive of the cliche about "snuffing out the sunshine," but not after this. I felt like suddenly nothing about me was worthy of success. That I'd have to make-do and half-exist all over again if I want to pay my rent again next month. Like I did in other jobs. I may still have to do that. Although my clientelle is growing faster than most new small businesses collect new clients, and I really appreciate and honor my clients and the opportunity to facilitate their healing process, it still hasn't grown enough to support me fully at this point. I suppose two part-time jobs DO add up into one full-time one for now...
The good news is that I went straight from that dis-heartening marketing meeting to a Tarot client. And my internal balance was thus restored. I hope the session was as beneficial for my client! I also got out for a brisk walk just as the sun was low enough to make the yellow and red leaves on the trees glow. THAT was a magic moment.
It's hard to head into the unknown. It's hard to cope with the stress of a down-economy and a difficult job market. But it's even harder to deny our inner selves, as we make our way in the world. And really, the more skills we have, the more resources are waiting in our back pocket to remind us of how beautiful the sun's illumination can be in our lives. Maybe it's time for me to start learning yet another something new.
So I scrubbed the frown off my face, washed the stress from my fingers, and decided that a positive outlook, and a strong resume, are worth their weight in gold. Or gasoline, that being slightly more expensive at the moment... I also realized that if I didn't post a blog entry QUICK, I'd miss October all together.
As the observant author wrote about the confused cat, "When in doubt, wash."
Autumn Blessings to you.
Be Well, and when frustrated,
Be Cleansed.
Admittance
It has taken me several years of hard work to be able to identify my emotions. I had emotions, and I expressed emotions (usually, the ones that got expressed were what I thought I was SUPPOSED to be feeling)... but I had become so focused on figuring out the emotional needs of the people around me that I actually lost track of my own.
Anger was one of the hardest emotions. To recognize that a behavior or situation made me angry was to put my own needs first, and I loved the people I was with too much to do that. It took a lot of hard work for me to realize that I HAVE to put myself first-- I MUST respect myself and my needs-- because if I don't, NOBODY ELSE WILL EITHER. It was a painful lesson, and a long time coming.
Often now, I take an hour or so at the end of a conversation to re-evaluate what was said, and really check in with how I feel about it, and about what was or was not done before and after the conversation. Conversations become a two-part process, wherein I check back with the person I was talking to, and clarify any reactions that I've had since we talked.
I know now that I cannot actually control my emotions-- and that suppressing them is bad for my health and for my relationships. I know that what I CAN control is how I act in a given situation, or as a result of how I feel. I don't have to act out every emotion I have-- and I can find healthy respectful ways to share how I'm feeling-- or to release the emotions privately.
I'm getting better at admitting it when something does make me mad. I realize that usually, there's a very good reason for me to feel that way. And out of respect for and love of myself, I deserve better than that. It's not that I ignore or discount the needs and feelings of the people around me--far from it. Instead, I recognize that life is about change, and about working with others as a community-- for the greatest good. For the good of the whole-- including me.
Life energy-- Goddess Energy-- flows through us all. To disrespect or disregard ourselves is to dis Her. Take responsibility for yourself-- your actions, your reactions, how you interact with other people and with the Earth, AND take responsibility for your needs. It is up to you to satisfy them.
Anger was one of the hardest emotions. To recognize that a behavior or situation made me angry was to put my own needs first, and I loved the people I was with too much to do that. It took a lot of hard work for me to realize that I HAVE to put myself first-- I MUST respect myself and my needs-- because if I don't, NOBODY ELSE WILL EITHER. It was a painful lesson, and a long time coming.
Often now, I take an hour or so at the end of a conversation to re-evaluate what was said, and really check in with how I feel about it, and about what was or was not done before and after the conversation. Conversations become a two-part process, wherein I check back with the person I was talking to, and clarify any reactions that I've had since we talked.
I know now that I cannot actually control my emotions-- and that suppressing them is bad for my health and for my relationships. I know that what I CAN control is how I act in a given situation, or as a result of how I feel. I don't have to act out every emotion I have-- and I can find healthy respectful ways to share how I'm feeling-- or to release the emotions privately.
I'm getting better at admitting it when something does make me mad. I realize that usually, there's a very good reason for me to feel that way. And out of respect for and love of myself, I deserve better than that. It's not that I ignore or discount the needs and feelings of the people around me--far from it. Instead, I recognize that life is about change, and about working with others as a community-- for the greatest good. For the good of the whole-- including me.
Life energy-- Goddess Energy-- flows through us all. To disrespect or disregard ourselves is to dis Her. Take responsibility for yourself-- your actions, your reactions, how you interact with other people and with the Earth, AND take responsibility for your needs. It is up to you to satisfy them.
Tuesday
Finding Time
This is actually a post about Yoga. Or maybe it's about what I think it means to honor the Goddess with my life. Maybe I'm just talking about how hard it is to take time out of my day for me... and how I connect that with being female in this time and place. Maybe it's something else all together. As I wrote it, the post just kept getting longer and longer... I think I'm worried that I didn't share this lesson well enough, or that I'm talking to people who only exist in my head... I'm worried that I will sound pitiful, or worse-- preachy... I sometimes think that we, as women, often have too hard a time recognizing our own wisdom and our own worth... So I'm not going to cut this one down to a more manageable size. I think it's important. Whatever it is.
See, there's this list of "someday" goals in my head. The ones I never do find time to commit to-- ones that don't put food on the table, a roof over my head, and don't benefit anyone but me. This is where I keep my desires like spending a whole week at a bed-and-breakfast on the beach, instead of using my vacation time and money on a trip to Michigan with my family every year... The list that has my wish to learn how to make bread-- good old hearty nutty flavorful bread. My desire for a gym membership ended up on this list, too. With a limited income, a weekly lunch with the people I love is just more important, for the price. And I still haven't found energy or supplies to build that Navajo Loom I want to play with-- nor research what kind of string I'd need to warp it with. Come to think of it-- when would I have time?
I'm not willing to give up my sleep-- the whole "get up 30 minutes earlier" plan just sounds like a way to substitute one healthy thing for another when I hear it. Less sleep, but more exercise... is that really helping me? Or less sleep but more time to write, more time to meditate, more time for a walk every day, more time to fix a healthy lunch before I go to work-- Suddenly I wonder if I shouldn't just be staying up all night to find the extra time I want for ALL the things I want to enjoy in my day!
So I'm not going to give up sleep to improve my life. That's an oxymoron waiting to happen. But I do want to include more good stuff in the time that I'm awake (and fewer morons). Maybe I don't need as much time checking email before I start my day. Maybe I don't need as much time watching movies to unwind at night before bed. Maybe I need to start out slowly. Maybe I already have.
I found a book on Yoga-- it has a 5-minute routine in it. And once I made time for five minutes of yoga in my morning prep... it wasn't so hard to move up to the 15-minute version the book also offers. Heck! I might eventually work my way up to the 90-minute yoga routine the book includes before the year is gone! And I found a book called Gardener's Yoga, by Veronica D'Orazio (Sasquatch Books, 2006).
The book is split into three sections. The first section is a preparation for working the earth, and coincidentally contains about ten minutes of "getting started" Yoga poses. The second section is another ten minutes of Yoga, this time geared toward stretching out the kinks that come from all that weeding and squatting down. The last ten minute section is for the end of the day, to help your body relax after hard work. I love how well the poses flow into one another, and I love how well they are integrated into the seasons and the phases of the garden.
I've realized that the hard part about taking care of me has always been getting started. I've had trouble committing myself to spending large chunks of my time doing selfish things. And in my head, I thought of the things I want to do just for me-- like Yoga and writing and meditating and weaving... I've thought of them as a selfish way to spend my time. But on the days I do them, I'm a better worker at my day job, and I grow stronger as a person. I feel healthy, and I have more patience with the world. So for now, I may only spend ten minutes doing Yoga in the morning, but I'm learning to feel good about that. I see it as a foundation for more good things to grow from. I'm learning that taking good care of me has a good impact on the people around me, too. It's not wrong to love and care for myself. In fact, nobody else can do it better.
Even better, I've learned that there are specific poses in Yoga that are meant to unblock and open a body's Chakras-- and I'm incorporating some of the poses for stimulating the First Chakra into my routine. Maybe I didn't have to find the time so much as I had to convince myself that I am worth spending quality time on. ...And that I don't have to start doing it all at once. I certainly didn't learn that one from my mother, or my ex-husband. In fact, most women I know have a very hard time (there's that word again!!) doing things for themselves in a consistent way. There's always something more important they could be doing. But here's the challenge-- if YOU don't think you're important, nobody else will either. And that is wrong. You are important. Worth doing good things for.
I don't mean the extra chocolate bar when you've had a bad day... (well, not JUST that!) I mean that 20 minutes of uninterrupted meditation in a quiet room every night so you can sleep comfortably. I mean that hour on the phone with your family or your best friend who moved away five years ago-- every weekend, without trying to multi-task while you talk. I mean the five minutes you spend standing still to enjoy the beauty of a tree, and just BREATHE for a minute, as you rush between buildings, meetings, and soccer practice every afternoon. I mean that 10 minutes I'm spending on my Yoga every morning before work, and the effort it takes to keep a clean spot on the floor big enough to do it in. I mean refusing to stay up that extra half an hour at night to get everyone else ready for the next day-- while they sleep.
Somehow, we've learned that the job must be done right, and we're the only ones who can do the job that way. Somehow, we've agreed to take on the responsibility for the success or failure of every dream our family (even our society) has-- without including our dreams on the list. We take the leftovers. We take the hand-me-down computer. We don't ask for someone to do their share of the chores-- we ask them to help us out a little with the chores we do. We make the kids' lunch and work a 60 hour week. We scrimp and save our pennies so someone else can have their heart's desire. Someone who already spent their pennies on something frivolous and fun.
I don't mean to dishonor our sacrifices, and I know this isn't everyone's reality. I actually hold a great respect for the importance of compassion, of love. But that's just it. Compassion, Love, long-term planning, Sharing and Giving are IMPORTANT, and WORTHY OF RESPECT. And another thing I've learned-- from my own life and from watching those I love-- is that if we continue to give and give without ever replenishing ourselves, we burn out, and we eventually have nothing left to give to anyone.
So-- please-- make a difference in your own quality of life, long-term. Like ten minutes of Yoga before breakfast, or ten minutes of solitude before bed. Now that I've learned how to find the time, I am determined not to lose it again. I want to enjoy my life. I want to experience abundance so that I can share it whole-heartedly, without running dry. I want to honor the Goddess by honoring myself, and the women around me. I'm worth it. She's worth it. You're worth it. Slow down, and give yourself time to recharge.
I am doing my best to honor my Goddess, the Great Spirit, with my life. I want to be my best self while I do it, and that means loving myself just as much as I love everyone else. That means it's okay to put my own needs first. To ensure that I have the strength and endurance to be there when others need me. It's okay to teach by my example that compassion and respect belong to everyone, not just an exclusive few.
So... What will you find time for today?... what about tomorrow?
See, there's this list of "someday" goals in my head. The ones I never do find time to commit to-- ones that don't put food on the table, a roof over my head, and don't benefit anyone but me. This is where I keep my desires like spending a whole week at a bed-and-breakfast on the beach, instead of using my vacation time and money on a trip to Michigan with my family every year... The list that has my wish to learn how to make bread-- good old hearty nutty flavorful bread. My desire for a gym membership ended up on this list, too. With a limited income, a weekly lunch with the people I love is just more important, for the price. And I still haven't found energy or supplies to build that Navajo Loom I want to play with-- nor research what kind of string I'd need to warp it with. Come to think of it-- when would I have time?
I'm not willing to give up my sleep-- the whole "get up 30 minutes earlier" plan just sounds like a way to substitute one healthy thing for another when I hear it. Less sleep, but more exercise... is that really helping me? Or less sleep but more time to write, more time to meditate, more time for a walk every day, more time to fix a healthy lunch before I go to work-- Suddenly I wonder if I shouldn't just be staying up all night to find the extra time I want for ALL the things I want to enjoy in my day!
So I'm not going to give up sleep to improve my life. That's an oxymoron waiting to happen. But I do want to include more good stuff in the time that I'm awake (and fewer morons). Maybe I don't need as much time checking email before I start my day. Maybe I don't need as much time watching movies to unwind at night before bed. Maybe I need to start out slowly. Maybe I already have.
I found a book on Yoga-- it has a 5-minute routine in it. And once I made time for five minutes of yoga in my morning prep... it wasn't so hard to move up to the 15-minute version the book also offers. Heck! I might eventually work my way up to the 90-minute yoga routine the book includes before the year is gone! And I found a book called Gardener's Yoga, by Veronica D'Orazio (Sasquatch Books, 2006).
The book is split into three sections. The first section is a preparation for working the earth, and coincidentally contains about ten minutes of "getting started" Yoga poses. The second section is another ten minutes of Yoga, this time geared toward stretching out the kinks that come from all that weeding and squatting down. The last ten minute section is for the end of the day, to help your body relax after hard work. I love how well the poses flow into one another, and I love how well they are integrated into the seasons and the phases of the garden.
I've realized that the hard part about taking care of me has always been getting started. I've had trouble committing myself to spending large chunks of my time doing selfish things. And in my head, I thought of the things I want to do just for me-- like Yoga and writing and meditating and weaving... I've thought of them as a selfish way to spend my time. But on the days I do them, I'm a better worker at my day job, and I grow stronger as a person. I feel healthy, and I have more patience with the world. So for now, I may only spend ten minutes doing Yoga in the morning, but I'm learning to feel good about that. I see it as a foundation for more good things to grow from. I'm learning that taking good care of me has a good impact on the people around me, too. It's not wrong to love and care for myself. In fact, nobody else can do it better.
Even better, I've learned that there are specific poses in Yoga that are meant to unblock and open a body's Chakras-- and I'm incorporating some of the poses for stimulating the First Chakra into my routine. Maybe I didn't have to find the time so much as I had to convince myself that I am worth spending quality time on. ...And that I don't have to start doing it all at once. I certainly didn't learn that one from my mother, or my ex-husband. In fact, most women I know have a very hard time (there's that word again!!) doing things for themselves in a consistent way. There's always something more important they could be doing. But here's the challenge-- if YOU don't think you're important, nobody else will either. And that is wrong. You are important. Worth doing good things for.
I don't mean the extra chocolate bar when you've had a bad day... (well, not JUST that!) I mean that 20 minutes of uninterrupted meditation in a quiet room every night so you can sleep comfortably. I mean that hour on the phone with your family or your best friend who moved away five years ago-- every weekend, without trying to multi-task while you talk. I mean the five minutes you spend standing still to enjoy the beauty of a tree, and just BREATHE for a minute, as you rush between buildings, meetings, and soccer practice every afternoon. I mean that 10 minutes I'm spending on my Yoga every morning before work, and the effort it takes to keep a clean spot on the floor big enough to do it in. I mean refusing to stay up that extra half an hour at night to get everyone else ready for the next day-- while they sleep.
Somehow, we've learned that the job must be done right, and we're the only ones who can do the job that way. Somehow, we've agreed to take on the responsibility for the success or failure of every dream our family (even our society) has-- without including our dreams on the list. We take the leftovers. We take the hand-me-down computer. We don't ask for someone to do their share of the chores-- we ask them to help us out a little with the chores we do. We make the kids' lunch and work a 60 hour week. We scrimp and save our pennies so someone else can have their heart's desire. Someone who already spent their pennies on something frivolous and fun.
I don't mean to dishonor our sacrifices, and I know this isn't everyone's reality. I actually hold a great respect for the importance of compassion, of love. But that's just it. Compassion, Love, long-term planning, Sharing and Giving are IMPORTANT, and WORTHY OF RESPECT. And another thing I've learned-- from my own life and from watching those I love-- is that if we continue to give and give without ever replenishing ourselves, we burn out, and we eventually have nothing left to give to anyone.
So-- please-- make a difference in your own quality of life, long-term. Like ten minutes of Yoga before breakfast, or ten minutes of solitude before bed. Now that I've learned how to find the time, I am determined not to lose it again. I want to enjoy my life. I want to experience abundance so that I can share it whole-heartedly, without running dry. I want to honor the Goddess by honoring myself, and the women around me. I'm worth it. She's worth it. You're worth it. Slow down, and give yourself time to recharge.
I am doing my best to honor my Goddess, the Great Spirit, with my life. I want to be my best self while I do it, and that means loving myself just as much as I love everyone else. That means it's okay to put my own needs first. To ensure that I have the strength and endurance to be there when others need me. It's okay to teach by my example that compassion and respect belong to everyone, not just an exclusive few.
So... What will you find time for today?... what about tomorrow?
Wednesday
Other Ways of Being
Spent two hours on a Migrant Farm handing out free children's books (mostly written in Spanish) and trying to understand Spanish as it was spoken today. Had to thank my ex for taking every opportunity to speak Spanish to other Spanish speakers-- I'm actually practiced at trying to understand a full-speed conversation from the few words I can recognize. And the more I listened, the more words I remembered (basic ones like Gracias and La Biblioteca and los libros-- books).
It was hot, dusty, and challenging, and I am TOTALLY EXHAUSTED. I can't imagine what it must be like for the farm workers-- most of whom do not speak any English-- to deal with these conditions-- including the lack of language skills-- every day! We went with a great group of dedicated people who brought free clothes and free food and ice cream for the kids. They offer to help people fill out forms, and they provide domestic violence intervention. The volunteers all speak Spanish, and all they want is to help their fellow people who are new to America to find her many opportunities.
I also realized that I'd been so nervous and scared about doing this because I viewed migrant workers as "those strange beings" who had nothing to do with me or my life. The thing is-- they are just normal people trying to get through their day. The clothes they wear are like ours because they are the clothes we outgrew or stopped liking and donated somewhere. These people we met with took great pride in their appearance, and many looked cleaner, and more slick than I did by a long-shot-- since I was hot, dusty, tired, and I just don't seem to control my hair very well at the best of times.
The teen aged girls had cliques and insider comments to make to each other. The little toddlers just wanted your full attention and as many books as they could hold. The parents and adult workers just wanted a little extra to put aside for hard times, or a special treat for their kids-- and free is a very good price. Just normal people.
And we didn't go to Tumbucktoo to see them, either. We went to the corner of two main streets-- where they meet about a mile from the center of town. It's the outskirts, but definitely not the boonies. There were still fences with lawns and shrubs on both sides of the street. And then we turned in to a gravel drive. There was a guard who had to approve our entry. He did this by glaring at us as we drove past, and then waving an arm at the parking area where we were supposed to set up our stuff.
So I'm glad I went. And I want to go again. But I also feel even more strongly about taking those Conversational Spanish classes as soon as I graduate. I have a lot to learn about my fellow wo/man. I think maybe we all do.
It was hot, dusty, and challenging, and I am TOTALLY EXHAUSTED. I can't imagine what it must be like for the farm workers-- most of whom do not speak any English-- to deal with these conditions-- including the lack of language skills-- every day! We went with a great group of dedicated people who brought free clothes and free food and ice cream for the kids. They offer to help people fill out forms, and they provide domestic violence intervention. The volunteers all speak Spanish, and all they want is to help their fellow people who are new to America to find her many opportunities.
I also realized that I'd been so nervous and scared about doing this because I viewed migrant workers as "those strange beings" who had nothing to do with me or my life. The thing is-- they are just normal people trying to get through their day. The clothes they wear are like ours because they are the clothes we outgrew or stopped liking and donated somewhere. These people we met with took great pride in their appearance, and many looked cleaner, and more slick than I did by a long-shot-- since I was hot, dusty, tired, and I just don't seem to control my hair very well at the best of times.
The teen aged girls had cliques and insider comments to make to each other. The little toddlers just wanted your full attention and as many books as they could hold. The parents and adult workers just wanted a little extra to put aside for hard times, or a special treat for their kids-- and free is a very good price. Just normal people.
And we didn't go to Tumbucktoo to see them, either. We went to the corner of two main streets-- where they meet about a mile from the center of town. It's the outskirts, but definitely not the boonies. There were still fences with lawns and shrubs on both sides of the street. And then we turned in to a gravel drive. There was a guard who had to approve our entry. He did this by glaring at us as we drove past, and then waving an arm at the parking area where we were supposed to set up our stuff.
So I'm glad I went. And I want to go again. But I also feel even more strongly about taking those Conversational Spanish classes as soon as I graduate. I have a lot to learn about my fellow wo/man. I think maybe we all do.
Friday
Full Moon Rising
Tonight is the full moon. Come to think of it, so was last night. Technically, I believe the full moon lasts three nights. As, technically, the new moon does.
And since I've been having a lot of fear, worry, and dread of the future in my mind lately, I'm using my celebration of the full moon as an opportunity to celebrate coming possibilities, and the fruition of my efforts thus far. I'm going to turn those worries into hope, those fears into dreams and that feeling of dread into awareness of my will to make whatever life I want for myself. I'm going to celebrate the Mother Moon. Her beauty, her constance, her enlightenment and illumination of the good in my life, and in my mind, and in my world. Because there is good there. I just haven't been acknowledging or appreciating it lately. And the best way to have more good is to celebrate its existence. So, tonight, I'm going to celebrate.
What a relief to have something to celebrate! What a relief to be planning something positive, and not just fighting for survival and trying not to forget to actually do anything crucial, and worry and... No. Tonight is about joy, abundance, personal strength, and good intention toward my future. Tonight is about Mother Moon.
And later, next week and the week after, in the waning moon phase, I will celebrate Grandmother Crone Moon-- wisdom and rejuvenation of hope, death of fear and decay of worry, the great cycle and the big picture. I will celebrate the cycle of life. Both within my own consciousness, and in this great earth organism of which we are all a part.
I thank the Goddess that no one has the right to take away our ability to celebrate! Our ability to choose a perspective-- happy or sad, realistic or long-range. Our ability to work toward our goals, no matter what the physical or emotional obstacles are to our success. Our acknowledgement of the ABUNDANCE in our lives!
And since I've been having a lot of fear, worry, and dread of the future in my mind lately, I'm using my celebration of the full moon as an opportunity to celebrate coming possibilities, and the fruition of my efforts thus far. I'm going to turn those worries into hope, those fears into dreams and that feeling of dread into awareness of my will to make whatever life I want for myself. I'm going to celebrate the Mother Moon. Her beauty, her constance, her enlightenment and illumination of the good in my life, and in my mind, and in my world. Because there is good there. I just haven't been acknowledging or appreciating it lately. And the best way to have more good is to celebrate its existence. So, tonight, I'm going to celebrate.
What a relief to have something to celebrate! What a relief to be planning something positive, and not just fighting for survival and trying not to forget to actually do anything crucial, and worry and... No. Tonight is about joy, abundance, personal strength, and good intention toward my future. Tonight is about Mother Moon.
And later, next week and the week after, in the waning moon phase, I will celebrate Grandmother Crone Moon-- wisdom and rejuvenation of hope, death of fear and decay of worry, the great cycle and the big picture. I will celebrate the cycle of life. Both within my own consciousness, and in this great earth organism of which we are all a part.
I thank the Goddess that no one has the right to take away our ability to celebrate! Our ability to choose a perspective-- happy or sad, realistic or long-range. Our ability to work toward our goals, no matter what the physical or emotional obstacles are to our success. Our acknowledgement of the ABUNDANCE in our lives!
Thursday
Self- Help
I've been avoiding my school work lately (I'm getting my Masters in Library Science), and couldn't figure out why it was SO HARD to make myself sit down and do a little reading, writing, and arithmetic (aka my budget). I'm somewhat of a procrastinator as it is, but this was getting ridiculous. It's also been a few days since I cast a circle or did any real meditation to keep my mind and body in balance with my Spirit, so I thought that might be a good place to start.
Last night, I put things off until nearly midnight, and then had this overwhelming need to just sit with my candles and my quiet time and my Tarot cards. So I did. And right away I was called into deep meditation by my internal Guide. Which surprised me, because usually I have to take a bit of an inner journey to find her. I'll devote an entry to my Tarot cards sometime, and this will all make more sense.
Anyway, we had a good talk (You know when you've got a problem you're avoiding, and you just finally sit yourself down and start asking yourself questions-- what is up with me? Why the heck am I going around doing THIS lately?!... and you just sit and feel crazy talking to yourself, but you keep doing it until you get some answers-- and you do manage to sort yourself out... Well, that's what it's like to talk with your Guide, only its more to the point), and I realized that what I've been avoiding some painful memories this week... and in the process of avoiding, I avoided homework, and cleaning the dirty dishes, and a few other things, too.
You see, I was a live-in nanny for two years, basically the primary care taker of a wonderful little girl from the time she was 5 months old until I got married and moved away two years later. And when that happened, it felt like I was abandoning my own child. I still miss her horribly, and thinking about her makes me sad. She has good parents, (She's already started school, too!) but she doesn't have me anymore, and since she now lives in Korea, I don't have her, either. It just hurts. And her birthday happens to be in early April. I've only managed to memorize five birthdays in my lifetime, and that includes hers...
Anyway, I was very glad to have that talk with my Spirit Guide, because it let me release some of my pain and feelings of abandonment/loss in a very safe space. Feelings I had been working hard not to acknowledge before that. And then she gave me a good talking to about getting on-task with my homework and stuff. It's like having the perfect mom. The one who helps you stay (or get) on track with your life, while making you feel loved and valued the whole time. She reminded me that there are a lot of children out there in the world who need the caring and the helping and the life skills I can provide as a Librarian, and that it's up to me to make that happen. I have work to do.
(By the way, as a librarian, I take a professional oath to provide accurate and timely information on all topics to all people, without discrimination based on age, ability, gender, creed, cultural origin, topic of interest, or anything else. It means taking my personal beliefs out of the picture when I'm at work, and being a true servant of the community-- the whole community, including the homeless, the infirm, the rich and powerful, and everyone in between.)
I'm also constantly working to make myself a better person... so I took note. I have a radar up now for when I seem to be avoiding things-- mundane things-- so that I can stop and meditate about what I'm REALLY trying to avoid. I want to face it and get moving forward that much faster next time. And... next April, I might just cut myself a little slack, knowing I'm going to have a few down moments that month, and knowing why.
Blessings Be
Saphora
Last night, I put things off until nearly midnight, and then had this overwhelming need to just sit with my candles and my quiet time and my Tarot cards. So I did. And right away I was called into deep meditation by my internal Guide. Which surprised me, because usually I have to take a bit of an inner journey to find her. I'll devote an entry to my Tarot cards sometime, and this will all make more sense.
Anyway, we had a good talk (You know when you've got a problem you're avoiding, and you just finally sit yourself down and start asking yourself questions-- what is up with me? Why the heck am I going around doing THIS lately?!... and you just sit and feel crazy talking to yourself, but you keep doing it until you get some answers-- and you do manage to sort yourself out... Well, that's what it's like to talk with your Guide, only its more to the point), and I realized that what I've been avoiding some painful memories this week... and in the process of avoiding, I avoided homework, and cleaning the dirty dishes, and a few other things, too.
You see, I was a live-in nanny for two years, basically the primary care taker of a wonderful little girl from the time she was 5 months old until I got married and moved away two years later. And when that happened, it felt like I was abandoning my own child. I still miss her horribly, and thinking about her makes me sad. She has good parents, (She's already started school, too!) but she doesn't have me anymore, and since she now lives in Korea, I don't have her, either. It just hurts. And her birthday happens to be in early April. I've only managed to memorize five birthdays in my lifetime, and that includes hers...
Anyway, I was very glad to have that talk with my Spirit Guide, because it let me release some of my pain and feelings of abandonment/loss in a very safe space. Feelings I had been working hard not to acknowledge before that. And then she gave me a good talking to about getting on-task with my homework and stuff. It's like having the perfect mom. The one who helps you stay (or get) on track with your life, while making you feel loved and valued the whole time. She reminded me that there are a lot of children out there in the world who need the caring and the helping and the life skills I can provide as a Librarian, and that it's up to me to make that happen. I have work to do.
(By the way, as a librarian, I take a professional oath to provide accurate and timely information on all topics to all people, without discrimination based on age, ability, gender, creed, cultural origin, topic of interest, or anything else. It means taking my personal beliefs out of the picture when I'm at work, and being a true servant of the community-- the whole community, including the homeless, the infirm, the rich and powerful, and everyone in between.)
I'm also constantly working to make myself a better person... so I took note. I have a radar up now for when I seem to be avoiding things-- mundane things-- so that I can stop and meditate about what I'm REALLY trying to avoid. I want to face it and get moving forward that much faster next time. And... next April, I might just cut myself a little slack, knowing I'm going to have a few down moments that month, and knowing why.
Blessings Be
Saphora
Saturday
Must Be, Maybe, Please??
So I'm in the process of trying to find OTHER PAGANS in my community. I know they're there. I can hear them breathing. I can see their bumper stickers on the freeway. I've visited two of their stores to buy candles. I have a business card for a member of the local Pagan Clergy. And many of them have put a lot of time and effort into posting information about their organizations and events in various websites I've located. They usually even include contact information.
However, when it comes to actually CONTACTING any one of them, I find a depressingly consistent scenario emerging. The vast majority of websites are no longer maintained, and the phone numbers or emails are disconnected and inactive. The few that HAVE actually gone through-- I've left a message after an impersonal beep or sent an email to the address listed-- well, lets just say these must be very busy people. I've gotten two responses. Ever. And I've been doing this (selectively) for a month now. And one of those responses was from PA. Not so helpful to someone located on the West Coast, and searching for local community.
It has strengthened my resolve to not only CHECK that MY list of links is current on a regular basis, but to CONTINUE BLOGGING here for as long as possible. It isn't likely that too many folks will stumble onto this thing, and it's not always the most helpful information for others anyway... but it's NOT GOING AWAY. And at least with a blog, you can see when the last publication was from the author. You know if nobody's bothered with it for a couple of years. The websites... not so much. They tend to use words like "MONTHLY MEETINGS AT..." or "I just started this thing, and..." ...and they don't realize that 4 years later, when they've stopped that thing back in 2002... uhh... how did I know that? Well, I tried the email link and it's dead. But websites don't really die. They just go on broadcasting the same old information... and that information gets older, and older... and older...
WitchVox actually posts a warning and suggestion on their website-- in the history of the publication, they've only had about two groups TELL them when the group disbands or changes it's contact information. Thus-- they highly recommend that you call or contact any store you plan to visit, or group event you'd like to attend, to make sure it's STILL THERE. Wise advice. Saved me a lot of insecure and uncomfortable moments. And a lot of car gas.
So... even though I may not have a lot of insightful, deep, or important info to impart, I'm committed to continuing to blog even during those times. It means there is something that won't go away.
And... I got an email back from someone local this morning. Someone who actually does still put on monthly full moon ceremonies. Someone who invited me to call her and ask questions. Someone who might actually be able to show me the "local community" aisle of the Pagan Supermarket Highway. I'm hopeful. I'm calling.
However, when it comes to actually CONTACTING any one of them, I find a depressingly consistent scenario emerging. The vast majority of websites are no longer maintained, and the phone numbers or emails are disconnected and inactive. The few that HAVE actually gone through-- I've left a message after an impersonal beep or sent an email to the address listed-- well, lets just say these must be very busy people. I've gotten two responses. Ever. And I've been doing this (selectively) for a month now. And one of those responses was from PA. Not so helpful to someone located on the West Coast, and searching for local community.
It has strengthened my resolve to not only CHECK that MY list of links is current on a regular basis, but to CONTINUE BLOGGING here for as long as possible. It isn't likely that too many folks will stumble onto this thing, and it's not always the most helpful information for others anyway... but it's NOT GOING AWAY. And at least with a blog, you can see when the last publication was from the author. You know if nobody's bothered with it for a couple of years. The websites... not so much. They tend to use words like "MONTHLY MEETINGS AT..." or "I just started this thing, and..." ...and they don't realize that 4 years later, when they've stopped that thing back in 2002... uhh... how did I know that? Well, I tried the email link and it's dead. But websites don't really die. They just go on broadcasting the same old information... and that information gets older, and older... and older...
WitchVox actually posts a warning and suggestion on their website-- in the history of the publication, they've only had about two groups TELL them when the group disbands or changes it's contact information. Thus-- they highly recommend that you call or contact any store you plan to visit, or group event you'd like to attend, to make sure it's STILL THERE. Wise advice. Saved me a lot of insecure and uncomfortable moments. And a lot of car gas.
So... even though I may not have a lot of insightful, deep, or important info to impart, I'm committed to continuing to blog even during those times. It means there is something that won't go away.
And... I got an email back from someone local this morning. Someone who actually does still put on monthly full moon ceremonies. Someone who invited me to call her and ask questions. Someone who might actually be able to show me the "local community" aisle of the Pagan Supermarket Highway. I'm hopeful. I'm calling.
Force of Nature
So I have ants. I mean- I've successfully overcome 3 assaults on my home by ants intent on finding food and annoying me-- since December. It's the fourth one that got me. This time, they are swarming my baby plant sprouts. Specifically, they seem drawn to the one I dedicated to the Goddess, and that I was really really excited about. The "Renee's Garden" Mini Jack Baby Pumpkin starts, to be exact.
The persistence of the ants has led me to do a bit of meditating on the persistence of life and of life force. How unstoppable it is. How strongly it is connected to the Yin-- the water element that simply goes around any impediments, or wears them down over time, to continue it's original intended course. It appears passive or unintentional-- and yet it is this force which perseveres and overcomes to reach it's original goal time after time. The return of the ants has lead me to wonder what greater message I'm missing here. Particularly since they are focused so specifically on my "Goddess Plant." As much as I feel justified in protecting my home and my sacred spaces from invaders such as ants... they have also received the blessings of the Goddess. In fact, they work primarily at night-- by the light of Her moon! And they have a very strong sense of social responsibility. There are no solitary ants. There is no sense of self-preservation if the good of the whole is at stake.
I picked a pretty earthy green ceramic pot for my plant. Nice'n deep for those baby jack roots. I planted five seeds, as they say you should, if you have enough space around them above ground for the plants to grow into-- and because they might not all come up. I got three valiant little starts. They are already about nine inches long, with lots of pretty leaves reaching REACHING toward the sunlight that comes in through the window where they live. See-- the directions say that you shouldn't plant them (or transplant them outside, anyway) until the weather is staying above 50* all the time. So I've been waiting to take them to their more permanent home on my back patio (I live in an apartment-- 2nd floor! and I have ants!) until the nights weren't quite so chill.
After the third ant invasion about two weeks ago, I stopped spraying peppermint essential oil all over the place because I decided it just wasn't working. Big mistake. What I didn't notice was that I was spraying the windowsills where I'd been seeing the ants the first two times-- and they were no longer on the windowsills. They were now on the ceiling. Taking the most direct route they could find toward my kitchen. I still feel terrible about this-- the third time, I called the pest control guys. And even though the ants keep appearing on the ceiling and the window sills, the spray guy sprayed the baseboards. Apparently, ants have to start at the bottom and work their way up like everyone else.
Well, here we are. Two weeks later, and I've got MORE ANTS than I ever had before. And most of them are congregating on my BABY PUMPKIN PLANTS! My apartment manager tells me that if they are attracted to a plant, and I keep the plant, the ants are no longer the apartment complexes problem. So, I've found a new home for my starts-- with a good friend who will love them, even if she can't protect them from the chilly nights like I've done.
I'd no idea it would be this emotionally wrenching to consider finding a new home for my "Goddess Plant!" I know I'd been daydreaming about how these little sprouts were growing with a combination of sunshine, moonshine, and water I've used in sacred circle rituals... and I know I had plans to harvest the mini pumpkins, dry them, and use them again for All-Hallow's-Eve and Winter Solstice, and maybe even Christmas... but I obviously wasn't looking deeply at this connection I'd made between the life cycle of my plant starts and the greater wheel of days and lives.
I have, however, started spraying everything with peppermint essential oil again. Going on sheer number and speed of the ant invaders this time around-- that stuff was actually doing a VERY good job of keeping the majority of ants at bay! I bought a cheap plastic spray bottle (I recommend using a nice glass one, really)... and put about 5-10 drops of oil in for every 1/2 cup of water it holds. I wasn't messing around. That's one heck of a concentrated spray! To be really effective, you have to respray every few hours, as the oils are not nearly so effective once they dry. And remember that ants can just as easily go up and around, or down and around... so make a complete circle around whatever you are trying to protect.
And put all your foods into closed containers. If cold air won't hurt it, consider putting food you wouldn't normally keep in the fridge-- in the fridge. I'm keeping my cutting boards there for a while as well, actually. I'm even considering putting my nice beeswax candles in the fridge! There's not much in my home that can match the pure beeswax candles for sweetness. And what I have are most likely the same sugar ants that started looking here for sweet things three months ago. ...the number 3 sure has come up a lot with these guys... in fact, all the numbers connected to the situation (that I've kept track of) seem to be related to the Goddess in some way... Well, something more to ponder in my next meditation.
The persistence of the ants has led me to do a bit of meditating on the persistence of life and of life force. How unstoppable it is. How strongly it is connected to the Yin-- the water element that simply goes around any impediments, or wears them down over time, to continue it's original intended course. It appears passive or unintentional-- and yet it is this force which perseveres and overcomes to reach it's original goal time after time. The return of the ants has lead me to wonder what greater message I'm missing here. Particularly since they are focused so specifically on my "Goddess Plant." As much as I feel justified in protecting my home and my sacred spaces from invaders such as ants... they have also received the blessings of the Goddess. In fact, they work primarily at night-- by the light of Her moon! And they have a very strong sense of social responsibility. There are no solitary ants. There is no sense of self-preservation if the good of the whole is at stake.
I picked a pretty earthy green ceramic pot for my plant. Nice'n deep for those baby jack roots. I planted five seeds, as they say you should, if you have enough space around them above ground for the plants to grow into-- and because they might not all come up. I got three valiant little starts. They are already about nine inches long, with lots of pretty leaves reaching REACHING toward the sunlight that comes in through the window where they live. See-- the directions say that you shouldn't plant them (or transplant them outside, anyway) until the weather is staying above 50* all the time. So I've been waiting to take them to their more permanent home on my back patio (I live in an apartment-- 2nd floor! and I have ants!) until the nights weren't quite so chill.
After the third ant invasion about two weeks ago, I stopped spraying peppermint essential oil all over the place because I decided it just wasn't working. Big mistake. What I didn't notice was that I was spraying the windowsills where I'd been seeing the ants the first two times-- and they were no longer on the windowsills. They were now on the ceiling. Taking the most direct route they could find toward my kitchen. I still feel terrible about this-- the third time, I called the pest control guys. And even though the ants keep appearing on the ceiling and the window sills, the spray guy sprayed the baseboards. Apparently, ants have to start at the bottom and work their way up like everyone else.
Well, here we are. Two weeks later, and I've got MORE ANTS than I ever had before. And most of them are congregating on my BABY PUMPKIN PLANTS! My apartment manager tells me that if they are attracted to a plant, and I keep the plant, the ants are no longer the apartment complexes problem. So, I've found a new home for my starts-- with a good friend who will love them, even if she can't protect them from the chilly nights like I've done.
I'd no idea it would be this emotionally wrenching to consider finding a new home for my "Goddess Plant!" I know I'd been daydreaming about how these little sprouts were growing with a combination of sunshine, moonshine, and water I've used in sacred circle rituals... and I know I had plans to harvest the mini pumpkins, dry them, and use them again for All-Hallow's-Eve and Winter Solstice, and maybe even Christmas... but I obviously wasn't looking deeply at this connection I'd made between the life cycle of my plant starts and the greater wheel of days and lives.
I have, however, started spraying everything with peppermint essential oil again. Going on sheer number and speed of the ant invaders this time around-- that stuff was actually doing a VERY good job of keeping the majority of ants at bay! I bought a cheap plastic spray bottle (I recommend using a nice glass one, really)... and put about 5-10 drops of oil in for every 1/2 cup of water it holds. I wasn't messing around. That's one heck of a concentrated spray! To be really effective, you have to respray every few hours, as the oils are not nearly so effective once they dry. And remember that ants can just as easily go up and around, or down and around... so make a complete circle around whatever you are trying to protect.
And put all your foods into closed containers. If cold air won't hurt it, consider putting food you wouldn't normally keep in the fridge-- in the fridge. I'm keeping my cutting boards there for a while as well, actually. I'm even considering putting my nice beeswax candles in the fridge! There's not much in my home that can match the pure beeswax candles for sweetness. And what I have are most likely the same sugar ants that started looking here for sweet things three months ago. ...the number 3 sure has come up a lot with these guys... in fact, all the numbers connected to the situation (that I've kept track of) seem to be related to the Goddess in some way... Well, something more to ponder in my next meditation.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)