I feel so lucky to be dating a man who actually asks ME to go Christmas shopping with HIM. And who is secure enough (and loves his niece enough) to spend a whole 20 minutes in the pink-and-girly plastic-toys-with-hair aisle at a large and busy store on a Friday Night while we agonize over which MyLittlePony is the right one to give a well-loved four-year-old. And then he bought her two.
Also, there are three cats snoozing on my bed right now. Mostly because I turned the heater on in my room, and cats like to be warm. The grey boys are all curled up together in a ball on one end, and Abbigale rests in majesty on her heated pet-pad with the flannel pillowcase on it (washable) at the other end. And there is a bit of half-hearted eyes-closed paw-licking going on, which is the very best kind, except when they take turns cleaning each other's faces.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Saturday
Sunday
Growing Up Good
I copied this post from the link below. I'm reposting it here because it gives me so much hope. (Much-needed hope!)
http://community.livejournal.com/library_mofo/1175117.html
-------
Non-mofo award
I've been meaning to mention this one for a while, but...
To the two-year-old twin girls who come in with their mom, so well-behaved, and clean up the children's area when they're finished playing, and always push in the chairs, and wait until we're done with the patron on the computer before showing us that wonderful book they found this time, that they're so excited about getting to read... Thank you. May you grow up just as wonderful as you are when you visit us...and just as generous.
We actually have a whole bunch of awesome little kids at work, but these two really take the cake. They came toddling in one day with their mom, nearly bouncing, and came up to return their books, and handed us a bag. Inside was the majority of their joint sticker collection. One of the things we've had to cut back on is fun kid-stuff, like coloring/activity pages, and the stickers the kids get at the end of their visit, at checkout. These two little girls visit with their mom regularly, and always ask for a sticker, like the other little ones...so they donated their sticker collection from birthdays and other presents so that everyone could still get one, when they come to the library.
http://community.livejournal.com/library_mofo/1175117.html
-------
Non-mofo award
I've been meaning to mention this one for a while, but...
To the two-year-old twin girls who come in with their mom, so well-behaved, and clean up the children's area when they're finished playing, and always push in the chairs, and wait until we're done with the patron on the computer before showing us that wonderful book they found this time, that they're so excited about getting to read... Thank you. May you grow up just as wonderful as you are when you visit us...and just as generous.
We actually have a whole bunch of awesome little kids at work, but these two really take the cake. They came toddling in one day with their mom, nearly bouncing, and came up to return their books, and handed us a bag. Inside was the majority of their joint sticker collection. One of the things we've had to cut back on is fun kid-stuff, like coloring/activity pages, and the stickers the kids get at the end of their visit, at checkout. These two little girls visit with their mom regularly, and always ask for a sticker, like the other little ones...so they donated their sticker collection from birthdays and other presents so that everyone could still get one, when they come to the library.
Monday
Where The Heart Is
I have been sitting here-- and on GB's sofa-- for the past several days, worrying and worrying about money. Feeling that no matter how hard I tried, there would be no way to make ends meet on my own-- or even at all. And I have worried, and cried, and been generally unhappy with the way of my work opportunities and with my own inability to make things work out "right" with my budget this month.
Finally, I sent my best friend an email, with all my worry about money and my dwindling choices packed into it. With my disappointment that I couldn't make my life turn out the way I want it to-- financially.
And she called me back, and told me that her dog-- her best friend of the past thirteen and a half years, since just before she and I became friends-- her Aussie has stopped eating. She is skin and bones, and she is dying. And there is nothing my friend can do to change this reality. There is no way for her to make the outcome what she wants. That she is scared to even consider the future that waits for her after that final trip to the Vet with Aussie tomorrow morning.
And I realized how narrow my worry has been, how shallow. I realized that I am blessed in the most important parts of my life. I have my family, my cat, my friends. I am so rich in love and in having. And I wish with all my heart that my best friend and Aussie could be spared the pain of this loss, the worry and fear of this decision. I wish I could be there to hold them both at the end.
It is in the heart that the greatest tragedies are weathered, and in the heart that the greatest loves and the greatest fears are embraced. And Aussie has been my best friend's heart for so very many years now.
And after we discussed all this in a not-quite direct way, so that we could put off really feeling just how deep this pain goes, just a little longer, and only feel the beginnings of the hole Aussie is leaving in her heart... That's when my best friend turned the conversation to me, and told me that it's okay to need help. It's okay NOT to face everything alone. She reminded me that I've been facing my challenges alone my whole life-- and maybe now that GB is here, it's time to let someone help me. I don't know what it is about death that makes the living so wise... but it does.
And if tears were money, I'd never have to worry about such foolish things as budgets and banks again. I overflow with this terrible richness of feeling. How much worse it must be for her. The sorrow I feel for my friend brings understanding of just how important such a friendship is in my life. In some ways she's right-- I have overcome huge obstacles to reach this point in my life, and I've done it by myself. But yet, she herself (and others like her) has often been there supporting me. And now it is my turn.
Please let me be worthy of the gifts that fill my life. Of the deep friendships, and the trust that is so easily given to me by friends and strangers alike. And let me guide them through their pain and back into harmony with the cycle of life-- as I have been guided by them.
Please don't let Aussie suffer, and help my best friend's heart to heal.
And thank you, whoever you are, for the reminder of what is truly worthy of tears.
Finally, I sent my best friend an email, with all my worry about money and my dwindling choices packed into it. With my disappointment that I couldn't make my life turn out the way I want it to-- financially.
And she called me back, and told me that her dog-- her best friend of the past thirteen and a half years, since just before she and I became friends-- her Aussie has stopped eating. She is skin and bones, and she is dying. And there is nothing my friend can do to change this reality. There is no way for her to make the outcome what she wants. That she is scared to even consider the future that waits for her after that final trip to the Vet with Aussie tomorrow morning.
And I realized how narrow my worry has been, how shallow. I realized that I am blessed in the most important parts of my life. I have my family, my cat, my friends. I am so rich in love and in having. And I wish with all my heart that my best friend and Aussie could be spared the pain of this loss, the worry and fear of this decision. I wish I could be there to hold them both at the end.
It is in the heart that the greatest tragedies are weathered, and in the heart that the greatest loves and the greatest fears are embraced. And Aussie has been my best friend's heart for so very many years now.
And after we discussed all this in a not-quite direct way, so that we could put off really feeling just how deep this pain goes, just a little longer, and only feel the beginnings of the hole Aussie is leaving in her heart... That's when my best friend turned the conversation to me, and told me that it's okay to need help. It's okay NOT to face everything alone. She reminded me that I've been facing my challenges alone my whole life-- and maybe now that GB is here, it's time to let someone help me. I don't know what it is about death that makes the living so wise... but it does.
And if tears were money, I'd never have to worry about such foolish things as budgets and banks again. I overflow with this terrible richness of feeling. How much worse it must be for her. The sorrow I feel for my friend brings understanding of just how important such a friendship is in my life. In some ways she's right-- I have overcome huge obstacles to reach this point in my life, and I've done it by myself. But yet, she herself (and others like her) has often been there supporting me. And now it is my turn.
Please let me be worthy of the gifts that fill my life. Of the deep friendships, and the trust that is so easily given to me by friends and strangers alike. And let me guide them through their pain and back into harmony with the cycle of life-- as I have been guided by them.
Please don't let Aussie suffer, and help my best friend's heart to heal.
And thank you, whoever you are, for the reminder of what is truly worthy of tears.
Friday
Shoveling it
Today, I mucked out a barn.
Back a few months ago when I dreamed of myself doing this, I woke in utter disbelief that such could EVER be true. I mean, this is ME we're talking about. But today, it was. I actually volunteered.
See, through one of the random blogs that I follow-- maybe it was one about urban homesteading, or no, maybe that one about sustainability-- anyway, I found a link to this one Family Farm. And discovered that they need volunteers, and they give you a whole talk-and-tour to get you familiar with the farm and the jobs that need doing.
And I thought-- Hey. I want to create a mini homestead/garden/farm someday when I've paid off my debts and have enough money to buy a few acres of south-slope land... Maybe I should get a better idea of what I'm getting into. Maybe I should find out what it's REALLY like to have an organic garden and some goats and chickens and sheep, etc.
I'm also in the process of working to strengthen and balance and ACCESS my First Chakra-- my Root. The one that has to do with the earth, and security, and grounding and the physical body. What could be more Root Chakra-centric than spending an afternoon working on a farm?! Farms are homes that include food, earth, animals, and all those natural processes and cycles and bodily functions that we associate with the Root Chakra. And it was really quite grounding to be out there and to do that. Sun, wind, dirt, straw, water, goats, pitchforks and wheelbarrows...
So today was Orientation Day for volunteers at the Family Farm. I love it out there. It really reaffirmed that what I want is attainable, and that I'd be happy having it. It also reaffirmed something I already knew-- Goats like me. I mean, these were just generally friendly goats and all, but... seriously. Goats like me.
It took two hours to meet all the creatures and see all the watering buckets/troughs/etc that need regular cleaning and filling (one of the four approved jobs for volunteers on the farm-- mucking out the three barns, the chicken coops, and the mini barn that houses Waldo is another). Then, since I did drive a whole hour to GET there, I decided I had time to muck out one of the barns before driving home again. And I did have time. What I didn't have was stamina.
So the biggest, stinkiest, most-in-need-of-mucking barn on the Family Farm has three sections. I did the biggest one. And I couldn't do any more. In fact, I'm really glad my blister didn't get a blister. I'm even MORE glad I thought to bring my work gloves. And a change of shoes. And I'm glad I didn't fall asleep on the drive home from the farm (in my nice clean spare shoes-- the ones that didn't have muck all over them). Since I was the one driving. But seriously, I was that worn out. Muck is heavy.
And did you know that fresh farm eggs that are unwashed last longer, and don't need refrigeration? If you wash them, you have to pay attention to which is warmer-- the water or the egg. Because the egg shell is actually really porous, and bad bacteria go toward the warmest thing-- so you want a cold egg and warm water to wash it in. And you don't want to store your eggs in with your salmon or your onions, if you plan to make a cake. I have a whole yummy dozen washed farm-fresh eggs in my fridge right now. They're making me very happy. Because every time I remember I've got these awesome fresh Family Farm eggs to cook with, I also remember how awesome my day was today while I was AT the Family Farm. Happy-Happy.
I've got some researching to do for the Family Farm from home (hell0--LIBRARIAN!!), and I think I'll try to make it out there again in a couple three weeks to do something slightly less intense like watering the chickens or something. I'm definitely going back. I want more eggs, for one thing. And I'm definitely sleeping well tonight. Just as soon as I rinse out my nose with something that doesn't smell like the month-old backside of a male goat. Apparently, the male goats stink more than the females. Made perfect sense to me.
And when I get my own land, I'm starting with vegetables. And herbs. And a couple of fruit trees. And maybe a few chickens. But nothing that requires mucking. Or castrating. And I learned that I need to add an "egg-cleaning station" to my dream home design. And probably a small barn and an extra fridge to store all my gardening produce and equipment, my spare bales of hay, my chickens, my wheelbarrows, and the muck I buy from my neighbors once or twice a year.
sigh... Who knew bliss would smell like THAT?!
Back a few months ago when I dreamed of myself doing this, I woke in utter disbelief that such could EVER be true. I mean, this is ME we're talking about. But today, it was. I actually volunteered.
See, through one of the random blogs that I follow-- maybe it was one about urban homesteading, or no, maybe that one about sustainability-- anyway, I found a link to this one Family Farm. And discovered that they need volunteers, and they give you a whole talk-and-tour to get you familiar with the farm and the jobs that need doing.
And I thought-- Hey. I want to create a mini homestead/garden/farm someday when I've paid off my debts and have enough money to buy a few acres of south-slope land... Maybe I should get a better idea of what I'm getting into. Maybe I should find out what it's REALLY like to have an organic garden and some goats and chickens and sheep, etc.
I'm also in the process of working to strengthen and balance and ACCESS my First Chakra-- my Root. The one that has to do with the earth, and security, and grounding and the physical body. What could be more Root Chakra-centric than spending an afternoon working on a farm?! Farms are homes that include food, earth, animals, and all those natural processes and cycles and bodily functions that we associate with the Root Chakra. And it was really quite grounding to be out there and to do that. Sun, wind, dirt, straw, water, goats, pitchforks and wheelbarrows...
So today was Orientation Day for volunteers at the Family Farm. I love it out there. It really reaffirmed that what I want is attainable, and that I'd be happy having it. It also reaffirmed something I already knew-- Goats like me. I mean, these were just generally friendly goats and all, but... seriously. Goats like me.
It took two hours to meet all the creatures and see all the watering buckets/troughs/etc that need regular cleaning and filling (one of the four approved jobs for volunteers on the farm-- mucking out the three barns, the chicken coops, and the mini barn that houses Waldo is another). Then, since I did drive a whole hour to GET there, I decided I had time to muck out one of the barns before driving home again. And I did have time. What I didn't have was stamina.
So the biggest, stinkiest, most-in-need-of-mucking barn on the Family Farm has three sections. I did the biggest one. And I couldn't do any more. In fact, I'm really glad my blister didn't get a blister. I'm even MORE glad I thought to bring my work gloves. And a change of shoes. And I'm glad I didn't fall asleep on the drive home from the farm (in my nice clean spare shoes-- the ones that didn't have muck all over them). Since I was the one driving. But seriously, I was that worn out. Muck is heavy.
And did you know that fresh farm eggs that are unwashed last longer, and don't need refrigeration? If you wash them, you have to pay attention to which is warmer-- the water or the egg. Because the egg shell is actually really porous, and bad bacteria go toward the warmest thing-- so you want a cold egg and warm water to wash it in. And you don't want to store your eggs in with your salmon or your onions, if you plan to make a cake. I have a whole yummy dozen washed farm-fresh eggs in my fridge right now. They're making me very happy. Because every time I remember I've got these awesome fresh Family Farm eggs to cook with, I also remember how awesome my day was today while I was AT the Family Farm. Happy-Happy.
I've got some researching to do for the Family Farm from home (hell0--LIBRARIAN!!), and I think I'll try to make it out there again in a couple three weeks to do something slightly less intense like watering the chickens or something. I'm definitely going back. I want more eggs, for one thing. And I'm definitely sleeping well tonight. Just as soon as I rinse out my nose with something that doesn't smell like the month-old backside of a male goat. Apparently, the male goats stink more than the females. Made perfect sense to me.
And when I get my own land, I'm starting with vegetables. And herbs. And a couple of fruit trees. And maybe a few chickens. But nothing that requires mucking. Or castrating. And I learned that I need to add an "egg-cleaning station" to my dream home design. And probably a small barn and an extra fridge to store all my gardening produce and equipment, my spare bales of hay, my chickens, my wheelbarrows, and the muck I buy from my neighbors once or twice a year.
sigh... Who knew bliss would smell like THAT?!
Wednesday
Loving Abbigale
My cat is in the Animal Hospital today. They're trying to figure out why she stopped eating and drinking two days ago, why her chest hurts, why she has a build-up of gas, why she's been puking and other grossness for the last 24 hours, at both ends. And how to make it all better.
I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to cope. She is a fixture in my life. She is one of my best friends, and my life-companion. She is only ten years old. And if she needs surgery to remove an obstruction in her bowels, I'm not sure I can pay for it.
I'm trying to figure out how to make my situation go away. How to have a job, or another credit card, so that I could have a hope of paying for this. Or rent. Rent would be nice to be able to pay, too. I'm trying to figure out how I got so desperate financially that I would even consider NOT getting this $800-$2000 surgery for my Abbigale. I'm looking into donations from animal-rescue organizations. I'm looking into my credit card totals to see how bad they really are. I'm looking into payment plans. My vet is looking into some possible other cause for her illness.
I'm trying to cope with my sudden reality that I've already spent $600 on her medical care today, and that I really don't want to wake up without her tomorrow... and that it costs less to put my best friend to sleep than to heal her... but even that would be expensive. I'm really trying to cope with reality, but failing.
Because the reality is that she is my one ability to keep coping with my life. She gives me a reason to get up (even if it's a half-hour earlier than I wanted to get up), and she helps me sleep at night. She loves me unconditionally, and forgives me for being selfish and stupid from time to time. Nobody else does that. How can I weigh her life against something as stupid as two or three months' worth of rent payments.
I have some wonderful wonderful human friends-- and some of them have really been there for me when I've been in tight spots at various times. But believe me-- I've spent more time being content because SHE was content to be with me than I have just happy on my own account. So here it is.
The last few shreds of hope I have are that maybe the problem is something that can actually be fixed without surgery... or that I won the lottery last week and just don't know it yet. Because as much as I need a job, and want the opportunity to earn my way-- I'm going to feel like shit if I get a good-paying job within a few days or weeks of putting her to sleep for lack of funds.
I know that my desires are purely selfish here-- the desire to keep her alive, and the desire not to go into debt to do so. And I've realized, that as much as it's going to hurt-- whatever the outcome-- what I really want is for her to know I love her, and for her not to suffer. Whatever that means, I think I can make my peace with it. Eventually. After the heart-hurt eases a bit, and the empty spot starts to heal. I know I'm never going to fill her spot.
Today, I'm just sitting around waiting for news, researching dead-end financial options and grant moneys for emergency pet care, and crying. At least, after I made the vet appointment last night, she and I had the whole night to lay together and cuddle on the bed. And even though she had to get off the bed to vomit and have diareah about five or six times, she always made her way back up to where she could sleep on my arm, curled into my side.
God, Goddess, please let her live.
I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to cope. She is a fixture in my life. She is one of my best friends, and my life-companion. She is only ten years old. And if she needs surgery to remove an obstruction in her bowels, I'm not sure I can pay for it.
I'm trying to figure out how to make my situation go away. How to have a job, or another credit card, so that I could have a hope of paying for this. Or rent. Rent would be nice to be able to pay, too. I'm trying to figure out how I got so desperate financially that I would even consider NOT getting this $800-$2000 surgery for my Abbigale. I'm looking into donations from animal-rescue organizations. I'm looking into my credit card totals to see how bad they really are. I'm looking into payment plans. My vet is looking into some possible other cause for her illness.
I'm trying to cope with my sudden reality that I've already spent $600 on her medical care today, and that I really don't want to wake up without her tomorrow... and that it costs less to put my best friend to sleep than to heal her... but even that would be expensive. I'm really trying to cope with reality, but failing.
Because the reality is that she is my one ability to keep coping with my life. She gives me a reason to get up (even if it's a half-hour earlier than I wanted to get up), and she helps me sleep at night. She loves me unconditionally, and forgives me for being selfish and stupid from time to time. Nobody else does that. How can I weigh her life against something as stupid as two or three months' worth of rent payments.
I have some wonderful wonderful human friends-- and some of them have really been there for me when I've been in tight spots at various times. But believe me-- I've spent more time being content because SHE was content to be with me than I have just happy on my own account. So here it is.
The last few shreds of hope I have are that maybe the problem is something that can actually be fixed without surgery... or that I won the lottery last week and just don't know it yet. Because as much as I need a job, and want the opportunity to earn my way-- I'm going to feel like shit if I get a good-paying job within a few days or weeks of putting her to sleep for lack of funds.
I know that my desires are purely selfish here-- the desire to keep her alive, and the desire not to go into debt to do so. And I've realized, that as much as it's going to hurt-- whatever the outcome-- what I really want is for her to know I love her, and for her not to suffer. Whatever that means, I think I can make my peace with it. Eventually. After the heart-hurt eases a bit, and the empty spot starts to heal. I know I'm never going to fill her spot.
Today, I'm just sitting around waiting for news, researching dead-end financial options and grant moneys for emergency pet care, and crying. At least, after I made the vet appointment last night, she and I had the whole night to lay together and cuddle on the bed. And even though she had to get off the bed to vomit and have diareah about five or six times, she always made her way back up to where she could sleep on my arm, curled into my side.
God, Goddess, please let her live.
Sunday
Hearth Friends
When we were little (especially if we were little in the '50's), we often immortalized our friendships by carving everybody's initials with a heart between-- S.B. -heart- R.O. or I heart Johnny, for example. It was a way of saying we loved someone-- they were a friend of our hearts. It was a hope that we would always have that loving connection in our life.
I have just returned from a Fall Festival. I went there with a friend, I came back from there with many friends. Friends of my heart. It was a very intense event, and yet also very restful. I learned so much from the experiences that others shared with me while I was there-- and I was also able to facilitate the learning of others. My favorite times were sitting at my booth, working through some big self-realizations with a Tarot client... and the evening bonfires.
For me, those bonfires were a gathering of family around the sacred fire-- the hearth fire that represents both home and safety, blessings given and received. We beat drums, we danced, and we cemented friendships new and old. These were our offerings around the hearth altar of our sacred gathering. These were the times of true community.
Our blood relatives and our "parents" are often chosen by biology or by someone else's decisions about marriage or responsibility. As children, we rarely have the opportunity to choose our family. Many of us are lucky. We have a parent, or maybe two, who really love us and wish the best for us and work hard to help us grow. Many of us cope instead with adults who hurt us, or who are hurt. As we mature, regardless of what came before, we learn to find folks we can trust outside of our original family.
Often, these people begin as friends, and then we realize that our bond is deeper than mere friendship. We share a connection that is truly special, truly magical. These people become our chosen family-- our "spiritual family," if you will. The folks who love us and who we love as if they have always been a part of our lives, as if they always will be. Understanding that we can create a support network that is stronger (and often stranger) than the family we were born into brings a special kind of freedom with it. Particularly when this is a community in which we can truly be ourselves-- fully reveling in the release of our unique and healing energy into the universe. A community of individuals. A community of acceptance.
I deeply enjoyed the friendships and experiences of this past Festival weekend. I look forward to our next meeting, whether at an organized retreat or at a local coffee shop. And I know that just because I don't hear from someone I really felt a moment of connection with-- it doesn't mean that I can't appreciate what that moment held. The time I spend with this special community-- with these friends-- is carved into my heart. Each meeting is a gift, and all the distance in between visits can never take that gift away from me.
Merry Meet, Merry Part, and Merry Meet Again.
I have just returned from a Fall Festival. I went there with a friend, I came back from there with many friends. Friends of my heart. It was a very intense event, and yet also very restful. I learned so much from the experiences that others shared with me while I was there-- and I was also able to facilitate the learning of others. My favorite times were sitting at my booth, working through some big self-realizations with a Tarot client... and the evening bonfires.
For me, those bonfires were a gathering of family around the sacred fire-- the hearth fire that represents both home and safety, blessings given and received. We beat drums, we danced, and we cemented friendships new and old. These were our offerings around the hearth altar of our sacred gathering. These were the times of true community.
Our blood relatives and our "parents" are often chosen by biology or by someone else's decisions about marriage or responsibility. As children, we rarely have the opportunity to choose our family. Many of us are lucky. We have a parent, or maybe two, who really love us and wish the best for us and work hard to help us grow. Many of us cope instead with adults who hurt us, or who are hurt. As we mature, regardless of what came before, we learn to find folks we can trust outside of our original family.
Often, these people begin as friends, and then we realize that our bond is deeper than mere friendship. We share a connection that is truly special, truly magical. These people become our chosen family-- our "spiritual family," if you will. The folks who love us and who we love as if they have always been a part of our lives, as if they always will be. Understanding that we can create a support network that is stronger (and often stranger) than the family we were born into brings a special kind of freedom with it. Particularly when this is a community in which we can truly be ourselves-- fully reveling in the release of our unique and healing energy into the universe. A community of individuals. A community of acceptance.
I deeply enjoyed the friendships and experiences of this past Festival weekend. I look forward to our next meeting, whether at an organized retreat or at a local coffee shop. And I know that just because I don't hear from someone I really felt a moment of connection with-- it doesn't mean that I can't appreciate what that moment held. The time I spend with this special community-- with these friends-- is carved into my heart. Each meeting is a gift, and all the distance in between visits can never take that gift away from me.
Merry Meet, Merry Part, and Merry Meet Again.
Tuesday
With the New Year
So at midnight last night, several people in my apartment complex lit fireworks, banged pots and pans, screamed, laughed, had sex (yup, heard that, too), or smoked one last cigarette (apartment below mine, and boy did it smell bad!)... It was the end of 2007 and the start of 2008.
But that's not really the schedule I follow. New Years, roman-christian style has just never been an amazing moment of connection with the world for me. It's actually a pretty young holiday, as human history goes. I celebrate Candlemas, usually February 2nd, as the first day of my New Year. It is the coming of the light, the dawning of a new cycle, the precursor to Spring. And I always feel infused with new life energy at that time of year. So that is what I celebrate.
Oddly enough, I do also agree with Wiccan teachings that All Hallows Eve is the LAST day of the old year. That is the time when we begin a deeper connection with the dead, the decomposing, with rest, sleep, decay, and remember-when's. We spend the time between November and February in a half-sleep, hibernating, sluggish, grateful, thinking about what was, and what might be next, spending time with family, talking about family (present and past), and trying to keep warm until the sunlight returns to the earth. It is the between time for me.
So I honored the Day of the dead (early November). I celebrated Winter Solstice, and had a moment of silence on December 24, looking up at the crisp dark sky, for Astarte, whose time it was, she of the holy mothers and the stars. I responded jubilantly to my friends' phone calls as midnight happened in their time zones across the world, and I stayed up to comfort my cat when all the noise started around midnight here. But for my conscious and subconscious awareness of history, time, tradition and Earth's Cycles... I will celebrate the new year on Candlemas. The year 9008, in honor of our recorded history as wise women. With wishes and goals scratched onto bay leaves, with a lighting of candles and a blessing of my home for the coming year. I will celebrate the turning of the wheel, and I will dance along the spiral that is my life path, ever deeper into the mystery.
Blessings.
But that's not really the schedule I follow. New Years, roman-christian style has just never been an amazing moment of connection with the world for me. It's actually a pretty young holiday, as human history goes. I celebrate Candlemas, usually February 2nd, as the first day of my New Year. It is the coming of the light, the dawning of a new cycle, the precursor to Spring. And I always feel infused with new life energy at that time of year. So that is what I celebrate.
Oddly enough, I do also agree with Wiccan teachings that All Hallows Eve is the LAST day of the old year. That is the time when we begin a deeper connection with the dead, the decomposing, with rest, sleep, decay, and remember-when's. We spend the time between November and February in a half-sleep, hibernating, sluggish, grateful, thinking about what was, and what might be next, spending time with family, talking about family (present and past), and trying to keep warm until the sunlight returns to the earth. It is the between time for me.
So I honored the Day of the dead (early November). I celebrated Winter Solstice, and had a moment of silence on December 24, looking up at the crisp dark sky, for Astarte, whose time it was, she of the holy mothers and the stars. I responded jubilantly to my friends' phone calls as midnight happened in their time zones across the world, and I stayed up to comfort my cat when all the noise started around midnight here. But for my conscious and subconscious awareness of history, time, tradition and Earth's Cycles... I will celebrate the new year on Candlemas. The year 9008, in honor of our recorded history as wise women. With wishes and goals scratched onto bay leaves, with a lighting of candles and a blessing of my home for the coming year. I will celebrate the turning of the wheel, and I will dance along the spiral that is my life path, ever deeper into the mystery.
Blessings.
On Tarot
I love Tarot. I especially love MY CARDS. It took me a bit of searching to find just the right pack for my beliefs and my sense of the Spirit Energy that guides me in this world. Do your homework, check out the cards, and don't let pretty art fool you into buying a pack of cards that don't actually speak to your practice as well as your pretty. I also suggest not buying used cards. You want your energy alone to rule the readings they give you.
My cards are the Medicine Woman Tarot. Which is getting harder to find, as it was one of the earlier sets of cards-- like 20-30 years ago when they were sort of unusual in America still... According to the Wise Woman who sold them to me. Who was located in a shop I'd never known existed before (even though I go to this little street of shops ALL THE TIME), and whose store seemed to contain one of everything I ever felt affinity with or really wanted my mom to buy for me as a child-- and then wanted for myself as a young adult. It was interesting to see my spirit growth laid out in the dusty corners of a small store like that. A good lesson.
I only got through half the store that day, but the few treasures I purchased there are very special to me. I felt like the Goddess had come down to let me see the trappings-- the important trappings-- of my life to this point, and to help me with my quest for Tarot, for guidance. I can't help believing that the store wouldn't be there if I tried to find it again tomorrow. I was careful not to look back at it when I left, too. It was too magickal, too exactly what I needed on that day at that moment, for me to take its existence for granted.
I've made friends with my cards since then, tracked down the Guide Book that goes with them, and learned a lot from the wisdom they present/represent. My cards are also a bit different in that they don't use the traditional pentacles/wands/swords/cups. I felt these images were from a magick tradition in which I don't take part. And were connected -- in my mind-- with Christianity so strongly that I'd have trouble feeling the hand of the Goddess upon them.
The Medicine Woman Tarot have taken religious names and symbols from all sorts of different spiritual paths-- relying most strongly on the healing images, the nature-connection within each. The goal of the cards is to aid wisdom and self-awareness. To give people the awarenesses and the lessons they need to move forward with their lives in a positive way, becoming their best selves. To this end, the minor arcana are stones, pipes, arrows and bowls. I can attach my mind to that without preconception. It lets me listen to the message as it is, and not through the filters I have developed in relation to any one specific religious or violent imagery.
I have only recently given readings to anyone but myself, and I love doing it. I also find that it is exhausting to give someone else the knowledge from the cards that is meant for them. But it is also very rewarding. Today, I gave a close friend-- a member of my Spirit Family-- a reading from the four elements circle pattern. We spent several hours on it, and she took LOTS of notes-- and I realized that the only way to strengthen my ability to be a channel for others with the cards is to keep doing it. To practice and exercise those "muscles" if you will.
It is the same with meditation, with Tai Chi, with building a Sacred Circle for your ritual, for any practical magick or herbal healing you work to perform for the good of all. And the words of the Tarot are true-- what you give, you get back. When you give, you are not giving to one person, but to the whole world, and when you get it back, it may not be in the same form-- or from the same place-- that it left you. It comes back from far away, from the world at large. It is karma, it is organic connection with all things, and it is a beautiful thought.
This sense of interconnection helps me to give even when I know the person receiving doesn't have the skill to give back to me. (This could be a lack of resources, poverty, inability to communicate clearly, no energy to spare for anything but survival needs, inability to love, or some other illness all together.) I'll get back what I give anyway, from somewhere else. And giving is important. The more you give, the more you get back, and the easier it is to do.
The four elements circle pattern, by the way, follows the drawing of the Sacred Circle, or the location and images of the four Elements. North is the physical earthly world, it is your Earth Life, and it is the time of decay/rejuvenation. It is a reading of the Life You Live on an earthly/physical plain. One card goes there. East is the rising sun, new projects and new beginnings, creativity, sexuality, wisdom carried by the wind. It is your Creative Self. One card goes there. South is your interaction with the world, your projection of self of Your Voice or your efforts and projects and how they are perceived by the world. It brings your voice to light, the fire of your personality is expressed by the card you put here. The West is the setting sun, projects completed, lessons learned, Ending and the waters of rebirth, of rest, of reward, sometimes death, in a symbolic form. It is also your spirit energy and your connection with the higher Soul/Spirit/Energy. Put one card here. Then place one card in the center.
Each of the four Elemental cards is a message-- acknowledgment of efforts and steps already taken, and messages to help you process those things and take the next step-- move toward the best possible self-- in each of these areas. You start, however, with the center card. It represents you (or the person you are reading) as they are at this moment or time in their lives. If the person you are reading does not feel this card is on target-- don't bother reading the rest of the cards, because you are not channeling for them at this time, and the reading would be a waste of energy for you both.
As I shuffle the cards, I often have one that "jumps out" or falls out of the deck. I take these as special messages for the focus of the reading, not connected with anything but a question in their minds, a message they need to hear at this point in their lives. To me, these are Goddess Cards. And I often make a pile of cards to the side of the Element Circle of Goddess Cards-- the ones that come next in the deck after the circle and center have been drawn. Sometimes it is only one card, sometimes (like today) it is four or five. Sometimes I don't pull until I've shuffled again, and sometimes enough Goddess Cards leap out that I don't bother pulling more. Often, the reading of the Circle is just a preliminary focusing of energy and opening of awareness so that the person being read can take in the greater importance of the message carried by the Goddess Cards. Sometimes the message they carry is so accurate that all we can do is laugh. And this feels good, too.
I picked a deck of Tarot cards whose focus is on learning and growing in harmony with life and with the goal of attaining the Best Self-- there are no bad cards in my deck. I know there are bad situations in life, but I think that the cards don't usually need to tell us when we've experienced them. Instead, we need the wisdom to learn, grow, and overcome the bad. To move beyond whatever is unhealthy or is holding us back in our lives-- in our creativity-- in our self-expression-- in our Spirit Journey. And this is what my Tarot cards are intended to do. For all that death is part of life and of the great circle, and ending is required to gain new beginnings, there is no Death Card in my Tarot.
This also makes it unusual.
Find what is right for you.
And Blessings Be.
-Saphoro
My cards are the Medicine Woman Tarot. Which is getting harder to find, as it was one of the earlier sets of cards-- like 20-30 years ago when they were sort of unusual in America still... According to the Wise Woman who sold them to me. Who was located in a shop I'd never known existed before (even though I go to this little street of shops ALL THE TIME), and whose store seemed to contain one of everything I ever felt affinity with or really wanted my mom to buy for me as a child-- and then wanted for myself as a young adult. It was interesting to see my spirit growth laid out in the dusty corners of a small store like that. A good lesson.
I only got through half the store that day, but the few treasures I purchased there are very special to me. I felt like the Goddess had come down to let me see the trappings-- the important trappings-- of my life to this point, and to help me with my quest for Tarot, for guidance. I can't help believing that the store wouldn't be there if I tried to find it again tomorrow. I was careful not to look back at it when I left, too. It was too magickal, too exactly what I needed on that day at that moment, for me to take its existence for granted.
I've made friends with my cards since then, tracked down the Guide Book that goes with them, and learned a lot from the wisdom they present/represent. My cards are also a bit different in that they don't use the traditional pentacles/wands/swords/cups. I felt these images were from a magick tradition in which I don't take part. And were connected -- in my mind-- with Christianity so strongly that I'd have trouble feeling the hand of the Goddess upon them.
The Medicine Woman Tarot have taken religious names and symbols from all sorts of different spiritual paths-- relying most strongly on the healing images, the nature-connection within each. The goal of the cards is to aid wisdom and self-awareness. To give people the awarenesses and the lessons they need to move forward with their lives in a positive way, becoming their best selves. To this end, the minor arcana are stones, pipes, arrows and bowls. I can attach my mind to that without preconception. It lets me listen to the message as it is, and not through the filters I have developed in relation to any one specific religious or violent imagery.
I have only recently given readings to anyone but myself, and I love doing it. I also find that it is exhausting to give someone else the knowledge from the cards that is meant for them. But it is also very rewarding. Today, I gave a close friend-- a member of my Spirit Family-- a reading from the four elements circle pattern. We spent several hours on it, and she took LOTS of notes-- and I realized that the only way to strengthen my ability to be a channel for others with the cards is to keep doing it. To practice and exercise those "muscles" if you will.
It is the same with meditation, with Tai Chi, with building a Sacred Circle for your ritual, for any practical magick or herbal healing you work to perform for the good of all. And the words of the Tarot are true-- what you give, you get back. When you give, you are not giving to one person, but to the whole world, and when you get it back, it may not be in the same form-- or from the same place-- that it left you. It comes back from far away, from the world at large. It is karma, it is organic connection with all things, and it is a beautiful thought.
This sense of interconnection helps me to give even when I know the person receiving doesn't have the skill to give back to me. (This could be a lack of resources, poverty, inability to communicate clearly, no energy to spare for anything but survival needs, inability to love, or some other illness all together.) I'll get back what I give anyway, from somewhere else. And giving is important. The more you give, the more you get back, and the easier it is to do.
The four elements circle pattern, by the way, follows the drawing of the Sacred Circle, or the location and images of the four Elements. North is the physical earthly world, it is your Earth Life, and it is the time of decay/rejuvenation. It is a reading of the Life You Live on an earthly/physical plain. One card goes there. East is the rising sun, new projects and new beginnings, creativity, sexuality, wisdom carried by the wind. It is your Creative Self. One card goes there. South is your interaction with the world, your projection of self of Your Voice or your efforts and projects and how they are perceived by the world. It brings your voice to light, the fire of your personality is expressed by the card you put here. The West is the setting sun, projects completed, lessons learned, Ending and the waters of rebirth, of rest, of reward, sometimes death, in a symbolic form. It is also your spirit energy and your connection with the higher Soul/Spirit/Energy. Put one card here. Then place one card in the center.
Each of the four Elemental cards is a message-- acknowledgment of efforts and steps already taken, and messages to help you process those things and take the next step-- move toward the best possible self-- in each of these areas. You start, however, with the center card. It represents you (or the person you are reading) as they are at this moment or time in their lives. If the person you are reading does not feel this card is on target-- don't bother reading the rest of the cards, because you are not channeling for them at this time, and the reading would be a waste of energy for you both.
As I shuffle the cards, I often have one that "jumps out" or falls out of the deck. I take these as special messages for the focus of the reading, not connected with anything but a question in their minds, a message they need to hear at this point in their lives. To me, these are Goddess Cards. And I often make a pile of cards to the side of the Element Circle of Goddess Cards-- the ones that come next in the deck after the circle and center have been drawn. Sometimes it is only one card, sometimes (like today) it is four or five. Sometimes I don't pull until I've shuffled again, and sometimes enough Goddess Cards leap out that I don't bother pulling more. Often, the reading of the Circle is just a preliminary focusing of energy and opening of awareness so that the person being read can take in the greater importance of the message carried by the Goddess Cards. Sometimes the message they carry is so accurate that all we can do is laugh. And this feels good, too.
I picked a deck of Tarot cards whose focus is on learning and growing in harmony with life and with the goal of attaining the Best Self-- there are no bad cards in my deck. I know there are bad situations in life, but I think that the cards don't usually need to tell us when we've experienced them. Instead, we need the wisdom to learn, grow, and overcome the bad. To move beyond whatever is unhealthy or is holding us back in our lives-- in our creativity-- in our self-expression-- in our Spirit Journey. And this is what my Tarot cards are intended to do. For all that death is part of life and of the great circle, and ending is required to gain new beginnings, there is no Death Card in my Tarot.
This also makes it unusual.
Find what is right for you.
And Blessings Be.
-Saphoro
Thursday
Self- Help
I've been avoiding my school work lately (I'm getting my Masters in Library Science), and couldn't figure out why it was SO HARD to make myself sit down and do a little reading, writing, and arithmetic (aka my budget). I'm somewhat of a procrastinator as it is, but this was getting ridiculous. It's also been a few days since I cast a circle or did any real meditation to keep my mind and body in balance with my Spirit, so I thought that might be a good place to start.
Last night, I put things off until nearly midnight, and then had this overwhelming need to just sit with my candles and my quiet time and my Tarot cards. So I did. And right away I was called into deep meditation by my internal Guide. Which surprised me, because usually I have to take a bit of an inner journey to find her. I'll devote an entry to my Tarot cards sometime, and this will all make more sense.
Anyway, we had a good talk (You know when you've got a problem you're avoiding, and you just finally sit yourself down and start asking yourself questions-- what is up with me? Why the heck am I going around doing THIS lately?!... and you just sit and feel crazy talking to yourself, but you keep doing it until you get some answers-- and you do manage to sort yourself out... Well, that's what it's like to talk with your Guide, only its more to the point), and I realized that what I've been avoiding some painful memories this week... and in the process of avoiding, I avoided homework, and cleaning the dirty dishes, and a few other things, too.
You see, I was a live-in nanny for two years, basically the primary care taker of a wonderful little girl from the time she was 5 months old until I got married and moved away two years later. And when that happened, it felt like I was abandoning my own child. I still miss her horribly, and thinking about her makes me sad. She has good parents, (She's already started school, too!) but she doesn't have me anymore, and since she now lives in Korea, I don't have her, either. It just hurts. And her birthday happens to be in early April. I've only managed to memorize five birthdays in my lifetime, and that includes hers...
Anyway, I was very glad to have that talk with my Spirit Guide, because it let me release some of my pain and feelings of abandonment/loss in a very safe space. Feelings I had been working hard not to acknowledge before that. And then she gave me a good talking to about getting on-task with my homework and stuff. It's like having the perfect mom. The one who helps you stay (or get) on track with your life, while making you feel loved and valued the whole time. She reminded me that there are a lot of children out there in the world who need the caring and the helping and the life skills I can provide as a Librarian, and that it's up to me to make that happen. I have work to do.
(By the way, as a librarian, I take a professional oath to provide accurate and timely information on all topics to all people, without discrimination based on age, ability, gender, creed, cultural origin, topic of interest, or anything else. It means taking my personal beliefs out of the picture when I'm at work, and being a true servant of the community-- the whole community, including the homeless, the infirm, the rich and powerful, and everyone in between.)
I'm also constantly working to make myself a better person... so I took note. I have a radar up now for when I seem to be avoiding things-- mundane things-- so that I can stop and meditate about what I'm REALLY trying to avoid. I want to face it and get moving forward that much faster next time. And... next April, I might just cut myself a little slack, knowing I'm going to have a few down moments that month, and knowing why.
Blessings Be
Saphora
Last night, I put things off until nearly midnight, and then had this overwhelming need to just sit with my candles and my quiet time and my Tarot cards. So I did. And right away I was called into deep meditation by my internal Guide. Which surprised me, because usually I have to take a bit of an inner journey to find her. I'll devote an entry to my Tarot cards sometime, and this will all make more sense.
Anyway, we had a good talk (You know when you've got a problem you're avoiding, and you just finally sit yourself down and start asking yourself questions-- what is up with me? Why the heck am I going around doing THIS lately?!... and you just sit and feel crazy talking to yourself, but you keep doing it until you get some answers-- and you do manage to sort yourself out... Well, that's what it's like to talk with your Guide, only its more to the point), and I realized that what I've been avoiding some painful memories this week... and in the process of avoiding, I avoided homework, and cleaning the dirty dishes, and a few other things, too.
You see, I was a live-in nanny for two years, basically the primary care taker of a wonderful little girl from the time she was 5 months old until I got married and moved away two years later. And when that happened, it felt like I was abandoning my own child. I still miss her horribly, and thinking about her makes me sad. She has good parents, (She's already started school, too!) but she doesn't have me anymore, and since she now lives in Korea, I don't have her, either. It just hurts. And her birthday happens to be in early April. I've only managed to memorize five birthdays in my lifetime, and that includes hers...
Anyway, I was very glad to have that talk with my Spirit Guide, because it let me release some of my pain and feelings of abandonment/loss in a very safe space. Feelings I had been working hard not to acknowledge before that. And then she gave me a good talking to about getting on-task with my homework and stuff. It's like having the perfect mom. The one who helps you stay (or get) on track with your life, while making you feel loved and valued the whole time. She reminded me that there are a lot of children out there in the world who need the caring and the helping and the life skills I can provide as a Librarian, and that it's up to me to make that happen. I have work to do.
(By the way, as a librarian, I take a professional oath to provide accurate and timely information on all topics to all people, without discrimination based on age, ability, gender, creed, cultural origin, topic of interest, or anything else. It means taking my personal beliefs out of the picture when I'm at work, and being a true servant of the community-- the whole community, including the homeless, the infirm, the rich and powerful, and everyone in between.)
I'm also constantly working to make myself a better person... so I took note. I have a radar up now for when I seem to be avoiding things-- mundane things-- so that I can stop and meditate about what I'm REALLY trying to avoid. I want to face it and get moving forward that much faster next time. And... next April, I might just cut myself a little slack, knowing I'm going to have a few down moments that month, and knowing why.
Blessings Be
Saphora
Monday
Poetry in Motion
Z.Budapest says that one should have simple prayer to greet and end the day... and on thinking about this... prayer is maybe not the right word for me, but the idea is strong in my mind. Between reading Z's blog and learning the messages of my Medicine Woman Tarot Deck, I feel inspired to share today.
(Whether or not you believe the tarot cards pulled in a 'reading' were chosen by a special force to give you a message of some sort is irrelevant. -- We take the message associated with the card, and apply it each to our own life. These views are not replacing our will to choose a path. We take the perspectives offered as valuable because they help us recognize the choices we have made, the paths we may yet walk. In this sense, you read your own fortune in the cards, regardless of the "medium"-- and you teach your own lessons. It's not about magic. It's about self-awareness.)
...so I came up with a few things...
I ask that if you make use of them in a public setting or forum, please give me credit. I ask that you use them wisely. I share this path with my Grandcestors, and their standards are high.
(Whether or not you believe the tarot cards pulled in a 'reading' were chosen by a special force to give you a message of some sort is irrelevant. -- We take the message associated with the card, and apply it each to our own life. These views are not replacing our will to choose a path. We take the perspectives offered as valuable because they help us recognize the choices we have made, the paths we may yet walk. In this sense, you read your own fortune in the cards, regardless of the "medium"-- and you teach your own lessons. It's not about magic. It's about self-awareness.)
...so I came up with a few things...
I ask that if you make use of them in a public setting or forum, please give me credit. I ask that you use them wisely. I share this path with my Grandcestors, and their standards are high.
-Dream Traveler-
Adrift on Sacred Seas of thought,
Owl's wings carry me
Through the rich dark of Grandcstor Earth.
The hearth of the Goddess
Guides me Home.
-Morning Meditations-
We are filled with Spirit Grace--
The Earth the Moon and I.
I hear Earth's rhythm
I see Earth's beauty
I taste Earth's passion
I smell Earth's season
I feel Earth's energy
I will Earth's abundance.
With the air that is her breath,
With the fire that is her joy,
With the water that is her womb,
I am filled with Spirit Grace.*
(*The air/fire/water lines are inspired from part of a Starhawk circle casting ritual in Earth Path Credit where credit is due.)
-On Resting-
My thanks to you, Great Spirit.
Grateful, Graced, Growing.
Tonight my body rests in your dark womb.
Spirit Traveler, Moon Mother.
Sacred Circle return again to the light.
Adrift on Sacred Seas of thought,
Owl's wings carry me
Through the rich dark of Grandcstor Earth.
The hearth of the Goddess
Guides me Home.
-Morning Meditations-
We are filled with Spirit Grace--
The Earth the Moon and I.
I hear Earth's rhythm
I see Earth's beauty
I taste Earth's passion
I smell Earth's season
I feel Earth's energy
I will Earth's abundance.
With the air that is her breath,
With the fire that is her joy,
With the water that is her womb,
I am filled with Spirit Grace.*
(*The air/fire/water lines are inspired from part of a Starhawk circle casting ritual in Earth Path Credit where credit is due.)
-On Resting-
My thanks to you, Great Spirit.
Grateful, Graced, Growing.
Tonight my body rests in your dark womb.
Spirit Traveler, Moon Mother.
Sacred Circle return again to the light.
I hope the circle of your days are filled with joyful awareness of the Earth and her spiral of seasons and days. The Moon, and her many faces. Each night reliving a moment that has occurred once a Moon, thirteen times a year-- the same yet ever changing-- for hundreds and thousands of years.
I hope for you that the beauty of their work fills your senses, and enters your awareness as a blessing. To live each day is a blessing. How do we show our thanks? We celebrate. We recycle. We limit our consumption. We give back good things to the earth by the ways in which we choose to spend our money, our time, our energy while we are here. We recognize that the lives and embodied knowledge of our ancestors, stretching back through the jaws of time, are the matter that compose our earth, our air, our water today.
Is this a strange concept for you? Let me show you how it works. The water rains down from the clouds to nourish our plants, our gardens, our wells and lakes. We use the water to process our sewage, to clean road filth off our cars, to water our lawns after we use chemical pesticides on them, to drink. The water from our homes and factories and gardens percolates into our rivers and streams. They flow down to the oceans. The ocean water is absorbed into the sky where it forms clouds, and rains down on us, to be used again. In this system, we get back what we put in. What did you put into the water today? What did you put into the air?
What did you put into your garden, your garbage, the landfill outside of town? You'll get it back, eventually-- or bequeath it to your children's children-- as our ancestors have done for thousands of years. We are drinking the same water that once flowed through the streets of Gamora, the jungles of Peru, the water that once rained down on Heroshima, and the fertilizer-settling pond down the road. We are the keepers of the Earth, and her resources are limited. It is a blessing to be alive in Her beauty and abundance, but it is a responsibility, too.
I'm not perfect, none of us are. But I am aware of my impact on the world, and I'm working to make it a good one.
Birth, Growth, Death, Decay, Regeneration.
And the circle continues.
Blessings Be.
I hope for you that the beauty of their work fills your senses, and enters your awareness as a blessing. To live each day is a blessing. How do we show our thanks? We celebrate. We recycle. We limit our consumption. We give back good things to the earth by the ways in which we choose to spend our money, our time, our energy while we are here. We recognize that the lives and embodied knowledge of our ancestors, stretching back through the jaws of time, are the matter that compose our earth, our air, our water today.
Is this a strange concept for you? Let me show you how it works. The water rains down from the clouds to nourish our plants, our gardens, our wells and lakes. We use the water to process our sewage, to clean road filth off our cars, to water our lawns after we use chemical pesticides on them, to drink. The water from our homes and factories and gardens percolates into our rivers and streams. They flow down to the oceans. The ocean water is absorbed into the sky where it forms clouds, and rains down on us, to be used again. In this system, we get back what we put in. What did you put into the water today? What did you put into the air?
What did you put into your garden, your garbage, the landfill outside of town? You'll get it back, eventually-- or bequeath it to your children's children-- as our ancestors have done for thousands of years. We are drinking the same water that once flowed through the streets of Gamora, the jungles of Peru, the water that once rained down on Heroshima, and the fertilizer-settling pond down the road. We are the keepers of the Earth, and her resources are limited. It is a blessing to be alive in Her beauty and abundance, but it is a responsibility, too.
I'm not perfect, none of us are. But I am aware of my impact on the world, and I'm working to make it a good one.
Birth, Growth, Death, Decay, Regeneration.
And the circle continues.
Blessings Be.
Saturday
Looking at Us
In looking at my family and friends, and trying to decide if I can share the joy of my discoveries with them, I've noticed a few things. And I've slowly told a few people that I'm "researching Wicca." I may be a functioning adult, but I'm apparently still young enough to need parenting. My mom felt a sudden need to discuss the importance of a good relationship with god. My artist friend discovered that SHE wanted to talk and learn about Wicca, too. My old high school girl friend (that is girl-space-friend... I've often regretted being straight, as there are so many really awesome women out there who aren't!) smiled, nodded, and changed the subject. But I've made a start. I've started living the life I feel is best for me, and letting others know what *I* think is best for me. Looking around was actually a good way to start.
You see, in addition to my Grandparents, my Aunt and my Mother... There are several Reiki masters in my family, several counselors, many musicians and artists. People with a passion for what they do, and conviction about who they are meant to be in this world. Each is functioning as a solitary practitioner, accepted into the family fold as they are, once they become strong enough to remain true to their practice even among so many Christian Traditional beliefs they-- and the family-- still hold dear.
My uncle-- my mother's brother-- planned to major in Philosophy in his youth... but after a semester or two, he found an error in the fundamental statement of one of his teacher's teaching books-- one that no one else had noticed for the many years it was in use at that school. He pointed it out, and after much deliberation, they agreed with him. He decided they didn't really have much to teach him after all. He's now a gifted photographer-- has been for years upon years-- telling stories with pictures, describing philosophy and the greater knowledge that is played out over and over throughout the world with beautiful captivating photographs of the natural world. He never did get a college degree.
I have always been the peace maker in my family. The pleaser and the good girl. I have always taken others' goals as my own, and seen them through to completion. I have always had some level of understanding about each person's struggles that the other family members would turn and ask me what I thought was going on with this relative or that one. They could tell something was off, but didn't know what. They thought I would know. I have not always been accurate. I have not always wanted to answer, either. I have not always followed my intuition or my personal compass of how to honor my self and my sense of spirituality and connection.
This is why the Witch's Way has become so important to me, and why it's so hard to talk about. I've assembled the pieces of my own practice bit by bit as I learned of something that resonated, or found a tool I'd seen in my mind as being useful or meaningful to me in some way. Some things are not right. Some things I am not using to their full potential. Some things I still have not found. Many many things I have yet to learn. But I am continuing on this path, and I am happy about it. The abundance in my life fills me with joy. And that is what I want my life to be about-- Abundance, Joy, Creativity, Laughter, Community, Connection, Peace within the storm... And all things in the hands of the Goddess.
I've started my Path, and in this blog, I effort to share the Journey with you. May the sun brighten your day, encourage your growth, and bring a spark of Energy to your actions.
Blessed Be.
You see, in addition to my Grandparents, my Aunt and my Mother... There are several Reiki masters in my family, several counselors, many musicians and artists. People with a passion for what they do, and conviction about who they are meant to be in this world. Each is functioning as a solitary practitioner, accepted into the family fold as they are, once they become strong enough to remain true to their practice even among so many Christian Traditional beliefs they-- and the family-- still hold dear.
My uncle-- my mother's brother-- planned to major in Philosophy in his youth... but after a semester or two, he found an error in the fundamental statement of one of his teacher's teaching books-- one that no one else had noticed for the many years it was in use at that school. He pointed it out, and after much deliberation, they agreed with him. He decided they didn't really have much to teach him after all. He's now a gifted photographer-- has been for years upon years-- telling stories with pictures, describing philosophy and the greater knowledge that is played out over and over throughout the world with beautiful captivating photographs of the natural world. He never did get a college degree.
I have always been the peace maker in my family. The pleaser and the good girl. I have always taken others' goals as my own, and seen them through to completion. I have always had some level of understanding about each person's struggles that the other family members would turn and ask me what I thought was going on with this relative or that one. They could tell something was off, but didn't know what. They thought I would know. I have not always been accurate. I have not always wanted to answer, either. I have not always followed my intuition or my personal compass of how to honor my self and my sense of spirituality and connection.
This is why the Witch's Way has become so important to me, and why it's so hard to talk about. I've assembled the pieces of my own practice bit by bit as I learned of something that resonated, or found a tool I'd seen in my mind as being useful or meaningful to me in some way. Some things are not right. Some things I am not using to their full potential. Some things I still have not found. Many many things I have yet to learn. But I am continuing on this path, and I am happy about it. The abundance in my life fills me with joy. And that is what I want my life to be about-- Abundance, Joy, Creativity, Laughter, Community, Connection, Peace within the storm... And all things in the hands of the Goddess.
I've started my Path, and in this blog, I effort to share the Journey with you. May the sun brighten your day, encourage your growth, and bring a spark of Energy to your actions.
Blessed Be.
Coming Home
As I started my quest for understanding of this thing called "wicca," I did it out of sheer curiosity. I continued my research out of relief. I discovered over and over a feeling of coming home. I'd be reading a book or a website, and I'd say "Hey- other people do that!" or "Wow-- I thought I was the only one who felt that way!" I often found myself crying with relief at what I was reading. And I finally gave myself permission to do what feels right to me spiritually, and not what I thought my family, friends, and most of society would find acceptable.
Since the church never felt appropriate to me unless we were singing and I didn't listen to the words... I had never been troubled by the concerns my mother expressed about my 'lack' of spiritual connection. She often tried new churches around our new home when we would move-- and brought the family with her. I cannot tell you how sacrilegious I felt-- how out of place-- each time we were noticed as new comers, and asked to introduce ourselves and be welcomed into that religious community. It wasn't right for me to be there, and it wasn't right for me to let them think of me as a part of that group, and I knew it.
The more I learned about Pagan beliefs, practices, and specifically about Wicca in America, about Goddess History and our sacred connection with the Moon and the Earth and all things between... the more I recognized my own family in the descriptions. I venture to say that I come from a long line of people from many traditions who practice magick and healing-- and who fit like hot candle wax into the Pagan/Wiccan mould-- but who would never call themselves and their doings by those names.
My Grandfather was a Mason, and a healer. He taught a woman not of his family (Their rule to spread knowledge states that you can only teach someone not of your family, and not of your gender.) how to blow the heat out of burns, and to stop bleeding, among other things I don't know about, having never been initiated. He had magick hands, and we all went to him when we needed healing or comfort. The hardest thing to see as he slowly became one with the Great Crone, was the way his hands shook and refused to do his will, as the Parkinsons claimed him. When he died, his pastor came to the hospital without being called. He told the family gathered there that at the time of Grandfather's passing, he was napping, and had a dream. In his dream, my Grandfather got up from the hospital bed, and strode over to the door. (At this point, he was bedridden because he could no longer walk, and had hurt himself falling many times via the Parkinsons.) Grandfather opened the door, and there was great light shining from the other side. He turned to his pastor, and said, "THIS is how an old man walks!" and walked through into the light.
If that isn't spiritual, and regenerative rebirth in the hands of the Goddess, I don't know what is.
My Grandmother held our whole extended family together, as a great wise, loving Matriarch. We did not see the extent of her influence and efforts in our lives until Grandfather had died. She lived a full and happy life for several more years. I don't think we realized how much we owed our close-knit relationships to her until she died and there was no one to bring us all together anymore. One of my favorite stories about her inner strength and will is the way she had of turning her car off her home street and left against traffic onto a very busy very fast road in her town. The philosophy she employed was: "Wait three, then me." She'd count three cars, and then she'd turn on into the road. And she always made it safely, too.
When she died, my mother was with her in the Hospice room. It was just after sunrise-- the perfect time for my Grandmother, I think. Mom said she looked out the window, and saw two sunrises. One sun was rising below the clouds on the horizon, and she saw for a few minutes another sun rising above those clouds. She cried when she told me about it, because it was so beautiful to her. Again, I feel that this was her Spirit letting us know she was doing better than ever now, after death.
My eldest Aunt in that family became an Ordained Presbyterian Minister. She called God "Her," and worked with the parts of each ancient religion that resonated within her. She practiced traditional Christian ceremonies. She cleansed auras. She worked with the healing of the Spirit through her own inner connection with the Greater Power and through the use of essential oils and ritual cleansing. She met many famous religious leaders, and taught and learned with many many people. She began a school of Spiritual learning called CrossRoads, and published a meditation CD.
She left a geas on my parents when she died. My mother was left with all her papers and tape recorded musings-- to write the book that my aunt never managed to write about her life, learnings, and realizations about the fabric of the world. She told my Papa to make a permanent meditation platform over her grave for anyone to stop and contemplate. She fought cancer several times successfully before it finally claimed her. But even then, her Spirit was so strong-- she decided the time of her death. Noon on Christmas Day. She wanted to live through Christmas. My family is strong in death and in their connection to the Crone. For this, and many many things, I am grateful. (You know, I always want to spell it "greatful," because that's what I am-- greatly full of appreciation for the abundance in my life.)
My mother was born the fourth of five children. Her eldest sister was 9 years older, and her younger sister was 9 years younger. When Mom was born, she came into the world still protected by her amniotic sac. She was born still inside it, and had to be cut out of it to take her first breath in this life. My family has always believed that this was a symbol of my mother's purity, and spiritual connection with truth in the world. Throughout her life, my mother has prided herself on her honesty and her purity, in an earthy way, at times.
She is a gardener and a chef. I would say she is a Kitchen Witch, if she was not so intent on the Divine in its Christian form. A small wood-framed scrap of paper has hung in each of her kitchens, wherever we have lived. It says, "Don't worry spiders, I keep house casually." And she has so many wonderful old well-used wooden spoons and cast iron cooking pots, spices, organic produce, home-grown herbs and vegetables... and she has never been comfortable killing any living creature, no matter how small. Papa must catch the spiders and the laurel bugs that constantly invade their home in the woods. These days, they even prune the little orchard themselves, and prayer flags hang on the back porch to slowly disintegrate into good energy and good luck, like the wall of a sacred circle dissipating into the air.
So you see, I have grown up with so many familiar tools and rituals around me... Wicca, Witching, and Pagan Practice have indeed been the center of the spider's web for me. They bring all the pieces of my past and my practice that I most love together into a cohesive whole. The circle is complete, for all that it never ends, and for all that I will always have more to learn.
I've started my Path, and in this blog, I effect to share the Journey with you. I so wanted to know how others found their way into the Moonlight those first few months! May the wind lighten your load, cleanse your being, and bring a sparkle of Energy to your actions.
Blessed Be.
Since the church never felt appropriate to me unless we were singing and I didn't listen to the words... I had never been troubled by the concerns my mother expressed about my 'lack' of spiritual connection. She often tried new churches around our new home when we would move-- and brought the family with her. I cannot tell you how sacrilegious I felt-- how out of place-- each time we were noticed as new comers, and asked to introduce ourselves and be welcomed into that religious community. It wasn't right for me to be there, and it wasn't right for me to let them think of me as a part of that group, and I knew it.
The more I learned about Pagan beliefs, practices, and specifically about Wicca in America, about Goddess History and our sacred connection with the Moon and the Earth and all things between... the more I recognized my own family in the descriptions. I venture to say that I come from a long line of people from many traditions who practice magick and healing-- and who fit like hot candle wax into the Pagan/Wiccan mould-- but who would never call themselves and their doings by those names.
My Grandfather was a Mason, and a healer. He taught a woman not of his family (Their rule to spread knowledge states that you can only teach someone not of your family, and not of your gender.) how to blow the heat out of burns, and to stop bleeding, among other things I don't know about, having never been initiated. He had magick hands, and we all went to him when we needed healing or comfort. The hardest thing to see as he slowly became one with the Great Crone, was the way his hands shook and refused to do his will, as the Parkinsons claimed him. When he died, his pastor came to the hospital without being called. He told the family gathered there that at the time of Grandfather's passing, he was napping, and had a dream. In his dream, my Grandfather got up from the hospital bed, and strode over to the door. (At this point, he was bedridden because he could no longer walk, and had hurt himself falling many times via the Parkinsons.) Grandfather opened the door, and there was great light shining from the other side. He turned to his pastor, and said, "THIS is how an old man walks!" and walked through into the light.
If that isn't spiritual, and regenerative rebirth in the hands of the Goddess, I don't know what is.
My Grandmother held our whole extended family together, as a great wise, loving Matriarch. We did not see the extent of her influence and efforts in our lives until Grandfather had died. She lived a full and happy life for several more years. I don't think we realized how much we owed our close-knit relationships to her until she died and there was no one to bring us all together anymore. One of my favorite stories about her inner strength and will is the way she had of turning her car off her home street and left against traffic onto a very busy very fast road in her town. The philosophy she employed was: "Wait three, then me." She'd count three cars, and then she'd turn on into the road. And she always made it safely, too.
When she died, my mother was with her in the Hospice room. It was just after sunrise-- the perfect time for my Grandmother, I think. Mom said she looked out the window, and saw two sunrises. One sun was rising below the clouds on the horizon, and she saw for a few minutes another sun rising above those clouds. She cried when she told me about it, because it was so beautiful to her. Again, I feel that this was her Spirit letting us know she was doing better than ever now, after death.
My eldest Aunt in that family became an Ordained Presbyterian Minister. She called God "Her," and worked with the parts of each ancient religion that resonated within her. She practiced traditional Christian ceremonies. She cleansed auras. She worked with the healing of the Spirit through her own inner connection with the Greater Power and through the use of essential oils and ritual cleansing. She met many famous religious leaders, and taught and learned with many many people. She began a school of Spiritual learning called CrossRoads, and published a meditation CD.
She left a geas on my parents when she died. My mother was left with all her papers and tape recorded musings-- to write the book that my aunt never managed to write about her life, learnings, and realizations about the fabric of the world. She told my Papa to make a permanent meditation platform over her grave for anyone to stop and contemplate. She fought cancer several times successfully before it finally claimed her. But even then, her Spirit was so strong-- she decided the time of her death. Noon on Christmas Day. She wanted to live through Christmas. My family is strong in death and in their connection to the Crone. For this, and many many things, I am grateful. (You know, I always want to spell it "greatful," because that's what I am-- greatly full of appreciation for the abundance in my life.)
My mother was born the fourth of five children. Her eldest sister was 9 years older, and her younger sister was 9 years younger. When Mom was born, she came into the world still protected by her amniotic sac. She was born still inside it, and had to be cut out of it to take her first breath in this life. My family has always believed that this was a symbol of my mother's purity, and spiritual connection with truth in the world. Throughout her life, my mother has prided herself on her honesty and her purity, in an earthy way, at times.
She is a gardener and a chef. I would say she is a Kitchen Witch, if she was not so intent on the Divine in its Christian form. A small wood-framed scrap of paper has hung in each of her kitchens, wherever we have lived. It says, "Don't worry spiders, I keep house casually." And she has so many wonderful old well-used wooden spoons and cast iron cooking pots, spices, organic produce, home-grown herbs and vegetables... and she has never been comfortable killing any living creature, no matter how small. Papa must catch the spiders and the laurel bugs that constantly invade their home in the woods. These days, they even prune the little orchard themselves, and prayer flags hang on the back porch to slowly disintegrate into good energy and good luck, like the wall of a sacred circle dissipating into the air.
So you see, I have grown up with so many familiar tools and rituals around me... Wicca, Witching, and Pagan Practice have indeed been the center of the spider's web for me. They bring all the pieces of my past and my practice that I most love together into a cohesive whole. The circle is complete, for all that it never ends, and for all that I will always have more to learn.
I've started my Path, and in this blog, I effect to share the Journey with you. I so wanted to know how others found their way into the Moonlight those first few months! May the wind lighten your load, cleanse your being, and bring a sparkle of Energy to your actions.
Blessed Be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)