My cat is in the Animal Hospital today. They're trying to figure out why she stopped eating and drinking two days ago, why her chest hurts, why she has a build-up of gas, why she's been puking and other grossness for the last 24 hours, at both ends. And how to make it all better.
I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to cope. She is a fixture in my life. She is one of my best friends, and my life-companion. She is only ten years old. And if she needs surgery to remove an obstruction in her bowels, I'm not sure I can pay for it.
I'm trying to figure out how to make my situation go away. How to have a job, or another credit card, so that I could have a hope of paying for this. Or rent. Rent would be nice to be able to pay, too. I'm trying to figure out how I got so desperate financially that I would even consider NOT getting this $800-$2000 surgery for my Abbigale. I'm looking into donations from animal-rescue organizations. I'm looking into my credit card totals to see how bad they really are. I'm looking into payment plans. My vet is looking into some possible other cause for her illness.
I'm trying to cope with my sudden reality that I've already spent $600 on her medical care today, and that I really don't want to wake up without her tomorrow... and that it costs less to put my best friend to sleep than to heal her... but even that would be expensive. I'm really trying to cope with reality, but failing.
Because the reality is that she is my one ability to keep coping with my life. She gives me a reason to get up (even if it's a half-hour earlier than I wanted to get up), and she helps me sleep at night. She loves me unconditionally, and forgives me for being selfish and stupid from time to time. Nobody else does that. How can I weigh her life against something as stupid as two or three months' worth of rent payments.
I have some wonderful wonderful human friends-- and some of them have really been there for me when I've been in tight spots at various times. But believe me-- I've spent more time being content because SHE was content to be with me than I have just happy on my own account. So here it is.
The last few shreds of hope I have are that maybe the problem is something that can actually be fixed without surgery... or that I won the lottery last week and just don't know it yet. Because as much as I need a job, and want the opportunity to earn my way-- I'm going to feel like shit if I get a good-paying job within a few days or weeks of putting her to sleep for lack of funds.
I know that my desires are purely selfish here-- the desire to keep her alive, and the desire not to go into debt to do so. And I've realized, that as much as it's going to hurt-- whatever the outcome-- what I really want is for her to know I love her, and for her not to suffer. Whatever that means, I think I can make my peace with it. Eventually. After the heart-hurt eases a bit, and the empty spot starts to heal. I know I'm never going to fill her spot.
Today, I'm just sitting around waiting for news, researching dead-end financial options and grant moneys for emergency pet care, and crying. At least, after I made the vet appointment last night, she and I had the whole night to lay together and cuddle on the bed. And even though she had to get off the bed to vomit and have diareah about five or six times, she always made her way back up to where she could sleep on my arm, curled into my side.
God, Goddess, please let her live.
This is a personal journey, describing the books I've read, how I find them, what resonates for me, my directions, what I've realized. Good stories, good people, good energy. Great Goddess, what is it NOT?
Energy
Coming here recharges me. Where do you go to heal? As long as you know, I don't need to. Go there. Set aside time for YOUR HEALTH.
Likely Links
Corrections:
...And by the way, if you are a practicing Pagan or Wiccan, and I got something terribly wrong, or you want to share another version or another vision of something I wrote-- PLEASE let me know which it is, and give me the info in a comment on the related blog entry! I'll post it as quickly as possible. After all-- until I gain a free-flowing connection with Universal Knowledge, I have only my own to draw from.
Witch Word Was It?
- Yuletide/Winter Solstice: Dec 20-23; Holy night of rebirth and turning toward the light-- the longest night of the year is when we may first welcome the return of the light. Very much a Christmas Celebration.
- Widdershins: Counterclockwise. Also means "to go backwards." Used to disconnect, banish, reverse, etc.
- Wiccan: of or pertaining to the practice of Wicca-- the modern inerpretation of Witchcraft (which also exists as a seperate practice); The Good Witches
- Tripple Goddess: Most Wiccans/Witches view the Goddess as the Moon, and celebrate her three aspects: Full Moon (Mother), Waxing-- getting bigger--Moon (Maiden), Waning-- getting smaller and the darkness of no moon-- Moon (Crone).
- Tools: Well, with Christian religions, many people wear a cross on a necklace, or hang a likeness of Jesus on the cross on their wall. They might finger rosary beads or light a candle to add power to a prayer or blessing. Well, in Wicca, we have tools and symbols, too. Ours are just anywhere from 2,000 to 8,000 years older than theirs. We have our altars to help us focus on the Great One they represent, and our sacred stones to finger while we meditate or conteplate the Goddess. We light candles to add power to our spells or blessings. We hang brooms and dried herbs on our walls to signify our connection with the Earth or to help us meditate on our own personal version of Abundant Living. We have sacred cups to drink holy water from, and we ritually cleanse and consecrate our sacred tools, too. But it is a totally different energy and purpose we invoke. It is not about some far off GOD, it is about ourselves and our Will and our Goddess.
- Spring Equinox/Eostara: March 20-23; Time of balance, when the light and dark visit in equal measure and the Earth swells with new life. Symbols (prior to the invention of easter) are Egg and Hare-- fertility and new life-- as the world is reborn.
- Skyclad: Means Naked. Some of the more "traditional" forms of Pagan worship require you to go naked. But only some.
- Sacred Circle: it is the temple in which a wiccan worships-- but it is a temple of Energy and Spirit, and we create it and dismantle it each time we go to worship or meditate. It is to help us focus our energy and our magick, and to provide a safe space in which to be and do.
- Sabbat: Wiccan/Pagan holyday, of which there are eight each year.
- Ritual: any activity you plan in advance, or do in a Sacred Circle, to aid connection with Spirit. In Pagan and Wiccan belief systems, this usually includes dancing, singing, lighting candles, and calling on the four or five elements. No sacrificing a cat at midnight. We hold life to be sacred-- as a part of the inevitable cycle of birth, growth, death, decay, and regeneration.
- Pentacle: the five-point star, point-up, inside a circle. This is the traditional witch's symbol, a symbol of power and protection, and representative of the five elements and the sacred circle (and sometimes the Moon).
- Pagan: Usually an Earth-Centered Religion, the word once refered to people living on the outskirts of villages-- people who lived on the land, so to speak.
- Night of the Witches/Beltane: May 1; as is the Mayday tradition, this is a festival of passion, complete with winding round the maypole, frolicking in fields and forest... the night of the Great Rite, and one of the most important Wiccan Holydays.
- NeoPagan: The modern interpretation and recreation of ancient Pagan religions; the label we often use to encompass Wicca, Witchcraft, Fairie, COG, Native American Spiritualities, Native Alaskan, Native etc, Shamanic, Druidic, etc
- Midsummer/Summer Solstice/Litha: June 20-23; the longest day of the year, and thus the day the year begins to wane (to grow shorter and darker). A festival of growth, high magick, and change.
- Lammastide/Lughnasadh: August 1st; First of the three harvest festivals. This marks the end of summer and the first harvest of the grain. We give thanks for the bounty of the harvest, and begin preparations for winter.
- Esbat: monthly coven meetings.
- Elements: Earth, Air, Fire, Water, and Spirit. These have many representations, and I've seen three different versions of which direction is which element. Because the books I most respect to date all agree, I work with North as Earth, East as Air, South as Fire, and West as Water.
- Deosil: Clockwise-- often used to describe the direction of walking to cast a Circle, calling on the Elements (N-E-S-W-N), or stirring a concoction. It is the direction of connection and embodyment, of manifesting that which you are meditating upon.
- Coven: a group of Witches or Wiccans who practice their Spiritual Celebrations and rituals together. A group of really close friends who share their spiritual journey.
- Candlemass/Imbolic: Feb 2; Feast of Lights. This marks the return of Spring. It is a time of cleansing, purification, and preparation for the abundance to come in the new year.
- Autumnal Equinox/Mabon/Harvest Home: Sept. 20-23; Night and day are again equally balanced. Rest, feast, rejoice and give thanks for the second harvest festival of the year.
- Aspects: While most of us believe there is only one Goddess, we use her many names to describe an aspect of the Goddess that we most want to connect with or draw energy from. One aspect might be Hestia-- the Greek Goddess of Hearth and Home. One might be Kali, the forceful protectrice from India. One might be Brigid-- the tripple Goddess from Irish Celtic lore. And so on.
- All Hallow's Eve/Samain: October 31; The third harvest festival, and the last day of the Witche's year. A time to honor departed ones and play host to Spirits. In this aspect of the year, the Goddess is the Crone, and the veil between worlds is thin. It is our oldest and most sacred Sabbat, as it honors death and life, the present and the past. Restore your soul and await rebirth at Yule.
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